Artist Competition
Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?
Bill: No? How did it turn out?
Bob: It was a draw.
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'X' Marks the Spot
Paul and Jim decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits.
Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.
Paul said, "Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come."
Jim says, "Good idea," and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.
With that paul says, "Why did you do that? Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish!"
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Where Did You Start?
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
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Consultaton Fee
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
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An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his
daughter's hand in marriage.
The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."
The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me
perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"
So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor,
"You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter.
You're no actor."
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We needed a new car, and I went to a local dealer with a long list of
requirements. "It must be inexpensive," I told the salesman, "but big enough
to transport eight Wolf Cubs and all their camping equipment. It has to have
lots of headroom. I don't want air conditioning because I like to feel
natural breezes. And I'm not concerned about horse-power or a smooth ride."
The salesman gazed at me intently. "The covered wagon no longer exists,
ma'am."
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I had a life once. Now I have a computer and a modem.
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Termite Bar
A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
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Materialistic Lawyer
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
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Growing Older Is
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- A fortune teller offers to read your face.
- You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
- You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
- You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".
- You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."
- You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
- You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
- The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
- The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.
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Three times Three
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replys the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".
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"Britney Spears was released from the hospital psychiatric
ward today. Authorities are warning all citizens in Los
Angeles to remain in their homes." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Happy Chinese New Year! It's the year of the rat. Who knew
it would coincide with an election year." -David Letterman
***
"It costs me 65 bucks to fill up my car today. Remember when
65 bucks would buy you a large latte at Starbucks?" -Jay Leno
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Last October, after much deliberation, I bought a magnolia
tree from our local nursery. After only a few weeks I noticed
that the leaves had started to shrivel and the tree appeared
to be on its last legs in spite of my tender care.
So I took some leaf samples and marched back to the nursery
to demand an explanation or get my money back.
"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the
manager.
"Good!" I exclaimed. "What's it suffering from?"
You can imagine how stupid I felt when he said, "Autumn."
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While hiking in the country, my friend Eve and I spotted a
huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered
a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband
Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.
Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms.
This time, Phil joined us.
"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I
asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home two
weeks ago? What changed your mind?"
"I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I
figured it would be better to be found dead with you two
than to try to explain two dead women in my home."
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Bottomed Out
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
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Marriage Counseling
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."