!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Husband's Check
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time.
When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Stanford Strothers."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard theUSS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined andgiven extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward tocelebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoledhimself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "Theycan bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away mybirthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't takeaway my birthday."The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed theinternational date line -- and it was July 23.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what on earth gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Control and Escape
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"My inferiority complex is not as good as yours."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Ruth
Ruth rode upon my motor bike, directly back of me.I hit a bump at 95, and rode on Ruthlessly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Random "Sayings" -- Those who iron clothes have a lot of pressing demands.I was being shown round a cheese factory the otherday, when I fell into a giant vat of milk by-product."I'm sorry," I said. "Am I in your whey?"A box of food you buy for breakfast will have a cerealnumber on it.Big cities make haze while the sun shines.On the old trains the engineer had a lot of esteem.I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's toolittle to go by itself.When I took the astronomy class, I was the star pupil(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forestcelebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to singlouder and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing thatthe Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate,dragged the friar into the woods and threw him in theriver...but Tuck climbed out and continued singingwithout missing a note. The moral of the story? Youcan lead a drunk to water, but you cannot make himhoarse.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jill was standing in front of a soda machine saying,"You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much ofa future, either. People are going to be punching youall your life. Then you are going to be replaced by amuch better looking button." I foolishly asked whatshe was doing. Jill pointed to the notice on the frontof the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While on vacation, I was driving through the Arizonacountryside when I saw a middle-aged smiling squaw ata stand by the roadside. She was surrounded by sixteenhappy laughing children ranging in age from a toddlerto a teen-ager. I stopped and asked, "Are those allyour children?" "Oh, yes," replied the Indian women whilesimultaneously trying to sell me blankets and otherrelics on her stand. "With a huge family like that,don't you have lots of fights and arguments?" "Oh, no," she declared with a chuckle,"We're just onegreat big Hopi family."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A teller of fortunes did sigh. "Crystal ball doesn't work!" she did cry. "Manufacturer, please Fix the ball." He agrees. "We'll look into it," comes the reply. (Kirk Miller)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A hosiery factory employee would have loved to stopand chat with her friends who were working on thesock-knitting machines but she had a tights scheduleso she had to run. (Tiff Wimberly)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mothers everywhere want their children to give peas achance.When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can betyou're in a public rest room.My girlfriend's idea of exercise is trying on dressesfor three hours every Saturday. I finally had to tellher, "I don't think this is working out." (DavidReihmer)Only two things are infinite, the universe and humanstupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. (AlbertEinstein)What do you get when you cross a hog, a billiardsstick, and a fir tree? Pork Cue Pine (James Ertner)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A mime had a show to do, but also had a very badcough. He went to a health foods store and asked forsomething for his cough. The clerk suggested that hemake some cinnamon stick and thyme tea. The next dayin Variety, a headline said, "A stick in thyme saves mime." (Rilla Marshall)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paper ViewI sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."