City Fisherman
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch
In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.
The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!
So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.
He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.
On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.
They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.
No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.
Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."
A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.
For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?
The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"
Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!
Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;
For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.
Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."
Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;
And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."
"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."
When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!
This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".
He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...
Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"
The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.
So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.
And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!
He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)
They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...
I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.
And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!
Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!
Saturday, February 04, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 4th
City Fisherman
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch
In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.
The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!
So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.
He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.
On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.
They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.
No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.
Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."
A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.
For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?
The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"
Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!
Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;
For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.
Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."
Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;
And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."
"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."
When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!
This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".
He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...
Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"
The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.
So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.
And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!
He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)
They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...
I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.
And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!
Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch
In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.
The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!
So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.
He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.
On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.
They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.
No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.
Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."
A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.
For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?
The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"
Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!
Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;
For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.
Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."
Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;
And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."
"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."
When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!
This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".
He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...
Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"
The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.
So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.
And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!
He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)
They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...
I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.
And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!
Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)