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Coverup Catch
This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed
up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?"
With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the student reached the door, the professor called out, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
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Thanks to LBS: Subject: Roe V. Wade.......USC Blonde
Version
Bambi, the blonde in her fourth year as a freshman at
USC, sat in her Political Science class. The professor
asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make when he decided
to cross the Delaware."
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I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she
would promise to keep his cage clean.
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If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin
him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
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The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two
weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
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A little boy was attending his first wedding. After
the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can
a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed
that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to
do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4
worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided
to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church
on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to
stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer
at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes,
as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
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A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her
mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money
now, will he let us go?"
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After the Christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat
of the car. His father asked him three times what was
wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you guys!"
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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures
of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by
Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
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The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me
frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a
good cook."
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A college drama group presented a play in which one
character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I
descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull
a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character
would plunge through. The play was well received. When
the actor playing the part became ill, another actor
who was quite overweight took his place. When the new
actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but
became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the
rope could make him descend. One student in the
balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is
full!"
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Withdrawal
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed ... and he was back to jumping
on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again,
were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's
so hard to quit."