Wednesday, November 29, 2006

hUMOR For Nov./ 29th

"Monitors"
I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around. My neighbor came by and said, "You're giving this away? I'll take it!" Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. "How much for that one?"
She asked.
I told her it was $75. She looked down at her free monitor, thought for a moment and asked, "Do you take trade-ins?"
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CleanQuote
"Live every day like it is your last - one of these days it will be."
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"Nerves of Steel"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
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You've Got Mail

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my
calmest voice,"What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found
a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was
home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never
heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."
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The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted
island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship
offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told
him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read
through these and let us know if you still want to be
rescued."
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting
groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in
his hand.

The guests in the front pews, and the minister, responded
with ripples of laughter. As her father gave her away in
marriage, the bride had given him back his credit card.
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A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when
they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads.

The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can
bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations; figuring
the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of
speed we will be traveling, to know what kind of tire you should buy."

The technician just laughs and shakes his head, "No, no, no! What's wrong
with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in the trunk. Now all we have to
do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one."
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Two Islamic Fascist spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now, speaka de Spanish".