Signs

SIGNS!!!!!!

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
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Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

A Senior-Blonde's Sweet Revenge

A Senior-Blonde's Sweet Revenge

Last year I replaced several windows in my house.
They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient
windows.

This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that
the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go round and round.
I told him no one pulls a fast one on this ol' lady.
Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde,
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!

I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last
year: " In one year they will pay for themselves"

Death Of A Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer,
both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the
room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each
side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly,
smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher
would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also
puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he
particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long,
uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior
that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Math In Southern Goverment Schools

A third grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell "before." He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."