Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.
======================= (It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)
======================
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"
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"Cat Musings"
I think this is pretty much how cats think in their heads - you can tell by the way that they look at you and make you feel like a commoner.
To go outside, and there perchance to stayOr to remain within: that is the question:Whether 'tis better for a cat to sufferThe cuffs and buffets of inclement weatherThat Nature rains on those who roam abroad,Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,And so by dozing melt the solid hoursThat clog the clock's bright gears with sullen timeAnd stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stareOutdoors, and by a stare to seem to stateA wish to venture forth without delay,Then when the portal's opened up, to standAs if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;To choose not knowing when we may once moreOur readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,And going out and coming in were madeAs simple as the breaking of a bowl,What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,The trampled tail, and all the daily shocksThat fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,He might his exodus or entrance makeWith a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,But that the dread of our unheeded criesAnd scratches at a barricaded doorNo claw can open up, dispels our nerveAnd makes us rather bear our humans' faultsThan run away to unguessed miseries?Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;And thus the bristling hair of resolutionIs softened up with the pale brush of thought,And since our choices hinge on weighty things,We pause upon the threshold of decision.
(Shakespaw) (Author Unknown)
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Bathroom ExasperationAs the lone female in our house, Shar found that certain male habits have really begun to get on her nerves. One day, she emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when Shar’s friend bumped into her husband Dan."What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" Shar raged."I know," Shar’s friend said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
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"According to a study, they found common words used by
happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also
found common words used by other people to describe happy
people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..." --Jay Leno
***
"Students were invited to city hall to pitch ways to make
dangerous intersections safer for pedestrians. Meanwhile,
city government continues to ignore my most-effective idea
to safeguard pedestrians--Nerf cars." --Jimmy Fallon
***
"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud,
but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without
doing any productive work or contributing anything to society,
my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" --Dave Barry
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My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having a
old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Hon, you
never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you
get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds.
Please promise me you'll try to work on that."
The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what
was that you were saying?"
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours
the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week".
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh... Pacific."
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The Portrait
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University
of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his
asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class
assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and
submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the
grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting
were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The
shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the
professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus,"
he said.
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Perfect Wife
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife...
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The Broken Doll
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor. "My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Emily?" "I hit him over the head with it."
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Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
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