Real Politics
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
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Mars
During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man." At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut. "I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
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Question Answered
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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Answering Machine
I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded
message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from
vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.
The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered.
After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up.
A second time and the same result. Then the phone rang a
third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am,
please call me."
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“Weird News
Cat survives 30-mile ride under camper
HADDINGTON, Scotland (UPI) -- Veterinarians in Haddington, Scotland, said they are searching for the owners of a cat that survived a 45-minute journey clinging to the bottom of a camper. Vets at the Haddington branch of the Links Vet Group said the cat was discovered by the Muirhouse, Scotland, owner of the camper after he spotted a tail coming from beneath the front bumper after driving about 30 miles, The Scotsman reported Wednesday. The veterinarians said the cat was unharmed but frightened and covered with diesel when discovered. "When you consider how long he must have been holding on for it's pretty amazing, because that would have included going along the bypass probably at a considerable speed," veterinary nurse Jennifer Jones said. Jones said the animal hospital does not believe the cat was a stray and they are now seeking its owner.
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Man 'lost brakes' before golf course crash
DELMONT, Pa. (UPI) -- An elderly man whose high-speed run through a Pennsylvania golf course in a sports utility vehicle ended in a fiery crash told police he had a brake problem. Paul Lazear, 82, and his four passengers were pulled out of the flaming wreckage of the SUV by golfers at Cloverleaf Golf Course in Delmont. The vehicle struck a parked golf cart and bounced off five trees before bursting into flames and coming to a rest, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported Wednesday. Police said Lazear told officers he '"lost his brakes and couldn't stop," the Posts-Gazette said. Lazear and his wife Carol, 72, were hospitalized with minor injuries and two other passengers, Ruth Daniels, 83, and Flora Lee Katz, 74, were hospitalized in moderate condition. The fifth person in the vehicle, Bertram Katz, 80, was airlifted to a hospital. Doctors said all five are expected to recover. The driver told police he had lost control of his brakes in the course's parking lot and wound up on the course.
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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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Phone ServiceClassmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint."I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one."CTC? Who are they?""You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."
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"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump... throw him a dough-
nut." --Jay Leno
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"A woman in California is being studied because she says
she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm
thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn't that every woman?'"
-Dave Letterman
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"This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the
manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of
Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, 'It's weird,
my tacos usually don't attack me until I'm in the bathroom.'"
-Conan O'Brien
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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of
financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to
see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized
our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
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Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who
had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late
in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down
on my veranda for a few hours and relax.
In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad,
fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis...
When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the
finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my
veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be
envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She
asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."