"Bank Enunciation"
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Look Like Mom"
A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea,
and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may
eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of
the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not
eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not
what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk,
and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding
like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you
have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or
your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so,
even if your brother or your sister has done the same before
you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you,
do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend,
because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do
not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into
the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up
roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the
finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red
roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered
our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me
and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed
my wife's hard drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Men on a Trip
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and
were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to
hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and
they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get
to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony
of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something
interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can
sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell
sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim
began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing
and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left
the room key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hunters from Minn.
Two hunters from Minnesota -- (true story) This is
from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Minnesota:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for
$42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all
the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new
vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float
on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it's going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a
stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now,
these two rocket s cientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they,
(and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grab s the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #6 shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator
truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The
exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and
takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to
the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving
the two idiots standing there with this "I can't
believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a
month payments!!!
…….And you thought your day was not going well.