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"Mouse Mom"
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
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Today's Quote
"An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest."
- Spanish proverb
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"Philosophy"
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a the class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
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Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my
husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label
carefully boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we
try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to
a box -- obviously not knowing how to spell the best
one-word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a
Mexican party."
(The one-word description is a Pinata. For those that might
not know what a pinata is loo here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinata )
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1. Birds of a feather flock together ... and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to lookfor it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put together "THE" and "IRS," it spells "THEIRS.
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Say Something Positive
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing
in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at
St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
Say Something Positive
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing
in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at
St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
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There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he
walked further he fell off the side of a cliff and
just as he fell, he reached and grab a tree branch.
He thought for sure he was going to die, but he
remember learning as a child: when you're in trouble
call on God.
So he called up to Heaven, "Lord are you up there?"
A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven.
The man calls again, "Lord are you up there?" And
again the lord did not response.
This time the man made a promise to God, "if you are
there I will serve you if you help me."
The Lord responded and said, "my son do you trust me?"
"Yes," replied the man.
The Lord ask him again, "my son do you trust me"?
"Yes I do", replied the man.
God said, "let the branch go."
A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled,
"is there anybody else up there?"
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Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die,
so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two
bravest warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed
each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever
returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one
hundred pelts; sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the
evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this
brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs
saying. . .
"Watch for Falling Rocks."
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Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental
hospital, is examining patients to see if they're
cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his
patients, "I see by your chart that you've been
recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what
you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well,
I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's
still a good field, good money there.
But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book
about my experience here in the hospital, what it's
like to be a patient here. People might be interested
in reading a book like that. Some of the new
treatments and medications have developed in recent
years. And the classes in life skills and using
computers and connecting with people on the internet
have helped me feel more real and in touch with the
world.
In addition, I thought I might go back to college and
study art history, which I've grown interested in
lately, or maybe website design."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like
intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my
spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post
stuff to Yahoo groups."
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Even the most pious among us must laugh at some of
these. It is HUMOR...pure and simple.
I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the
water while I'm fishing.
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good
ending, and they should be as close together as
possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Photons have mass!?! I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be
entertaining.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain
number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll
never die!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
is like the IRS.
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the
calf won't get much sleep.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God
said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this
one out."
If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas,
cause that's what He's getting tonight.
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Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on
their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter
more devoted than my Alice," said.
Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to
the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a
week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"
declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats
me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks
in the Hampton, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves
her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to
her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the
best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred
and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
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No Offence...
Say What?
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to
a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where's
the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and
says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the
guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy
asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's
question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I
w-w-w-want to get h-h-h-him ups-s-set s-s-s-since I
also st-st-st-stutter?!!"
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HOW TO STAY YOUNG Its really sort of simple:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those
grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get
idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you
laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The
only person who is with us our entire life, is
ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If
it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you
can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT
to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity.