Recent Quips from Late Night
"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher
"A 5.2 earthquake hit
"How about the presidential race? It's really interesting, isn't it? I mean usually, it's sort of interesting, and then toward the end it just gets plain dull. But so far, it's pretty interesting. And the election is just three years away." --David Letterman
"Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary 'I Might Be a Redneck'
"Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me hot.'" --David Letterman
"And you know, the pope is in town. That's kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, 'What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and out.'" --Jay Leno
"But I didn't realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern." --David Letterman
"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher
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Llama
Why did the Llama cross the road?
Because he was sick of the chicken doing it!
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Pub Stakeout
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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Cheesy Pick Up Lines
- Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just taken my heart away!
- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!
- If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
- When God made you, he was showing off
- It's not my fault I fell in love. You're the one who tripped me!
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"Paris Hilton in going to star in a new reality show where
she looks for a new best friend to replace Nicole Richie.
So far the front-runner to replace Nicole is a No. 2 pencil."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"What a beautiful day. It's 75 and sunny. It was so beautiful,
the Statue of Liberty was holding a bottle of
-David Letterman
***
"
from
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At the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the
protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the
weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to
the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement.
The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said
I could handle it myself.
I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping
the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner
showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.
When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might
get a break on the second piece of glass."
"I did give you a break," he replied.
"How so?" I asked.
"I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.
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On a spring break trip to
standing just inside St. Peter's Basilica, the second
largest church in the world. The tour guide explained,
"This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a
baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe
Ruth, or even Mark McGuire."
My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble
sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics
all around the enormous building. Then one girl inter-
rupted the silence with an astonished question: "You
mean, they actually let them hit baseballs in here?"
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A Kind Word
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
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British Speed Trap
Two British traffic patrol officers from
in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the
A-1
device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of
a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300
mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not
able to reset it.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar
had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet, which was
engaged in a low-flying exercise over the
Border district, approaching from the
Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff
complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true
laconic RAF style:
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on
this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical
computer in the Tornado had detected the
presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar
equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.
"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed
aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.
"Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation
for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert
status, and was able to override the automated defense system before
the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was
destroyed. Good Day..."
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"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the
refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence
***
"There's a religious group that goes door-to-door selling
cosmetics. They call themselves the Jo-joba's witnesses."
--Jeannie Dietz
***
"Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try
to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't
go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he
was grounded." --Tim Allen
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A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked
if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost
the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony
and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I
can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message
at the tone."