hUMOR For July 17th

A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass
windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind
me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece
of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After
finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.

One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
pane!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."

The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.

When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins

I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.

"Your name?" I asked.

"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both

to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,

which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,

pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the

2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have

downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an

ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,

give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you

really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's

private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while

they were in the hospital.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk

them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the

black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is

the best-looking cow.


NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows.

You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,

so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big teats.

Report violation
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.

~Wanda D.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

hUMOR For July 17th

A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass
windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind
me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece
of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After
finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.

One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
pane!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."

The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.

When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins

I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.

"Your name?" I asked.

"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both

to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,

which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,

pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the

2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have

downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an

ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,

give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you

really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's

private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while

they were in the hospital.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk

them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the

black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is

the best-looking cow.


NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows.

You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,

so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big teats.

Report violation
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.

~Wanda D.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"