"In Flori-DUH, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he
is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks
the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street,
Joey Voldermort." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
***
"Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the
Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger's hat, it's
because the bear ate the ranger!" -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I worked repairing construction
equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and
shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent out an e-mail: "If anybody can say where he/she
lost $66, please let me know, and it will be returned."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Super Bowl, 2005."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Hillary Clinton ... is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel "A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno "Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman "Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno "Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien "Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart
+++++++++++++++++++
An accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a viola
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?
+++++++++++++++++++
US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...
A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?” He thought for a moment, and then wrote, “Since 1776.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Registration
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at
a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-
view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my
wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my
wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said
gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in
Florida.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cab RideOn a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?""Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest
person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she
plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the
94 year old, except her student loan officer." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Soccer mania is sweeping the nation with the arrival of
David Beckham. He got a $250 million deal to play for the
L.A. Galaxy. Two hundred and fifty million is a lot for a
sport people want to see...never mind soccer." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench,
even though he is prone to seizures. When President Bush
heard this, he said, 'That's great 'cause I'm prone to
illegal searches'" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, 25¢ each or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the
blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four
catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Haircut
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old
son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his
plate, except for the turnip.
I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been
left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.