St. Paul mayor hits hole in one
ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) -- It was a big week for St. Paul, Minn., Mayor Chris Coleman: his town played host to a national political convention and he hit a hole in one. No sooner had Republicans left town after nominating John McCain as their presidential candidate, than Coleman found himself out on a golf course for a Cystic Fibrosis Foundation charity event Friday. On the par 3 No. 8 at Highland National Golf Course, he pulled out his nine iron and stroked his ball into the hole 150 yards away, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported, citing the mayor's press spokesman and other witnesses.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they
have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American
men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"Gas prices are crazy. It's getting so bad that the Amish are
now complaining." -David Letterman
***
"'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop
at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an
adult. When asked why she said, 'There's still money in the
world that I don't have yet'." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!
Friend: I know!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Well-Dressed ProfessorThe history professor in our very small town, was very concise, stiff and not very friendly to anyone, especially his students. He always dressed to perfection; hat, over coat, jacket, gloves, vest and tie.One day he walked into the only Barber Shop in our town and began to remove his outer garments; his gloves, his top coat, his jacket, his vest, his tie, and finally his eye glasses. He sat down in the chair and the barber asked him what he wanted?He replied very curtly that he wanted a hair cut, and why else would he come into the barber shop and sit down in the chair?"Well," the barber replied, "don't you think that you should remove your hat?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in
the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken."
-Jay Leno
***
"Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It's
$25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don't have to go."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered
free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and
stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered
the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her
to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it
could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T"
and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to
my grandson and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied
"Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?"
He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's In Charge
29 have been accused of spousal abuse7 have been arrested for fraud19 have been accused of writing bad checks117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses3 have done time for assault71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit14 have been arrested on drug-related charges8 have been arrested for shoplifting21 are currently defendants in lawsuits84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baker's Assistant
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Boat Race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a
competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt
ready.
The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason
for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one
person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the
problem, the consultants concluded that too many people were
steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So
as race day neared again the following year, the American
team's management structure was completely reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated,
the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering
the problem.