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Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
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Here is today's Oneliner.
The proper response to "Good morning", is not "Prove it!"
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Customs Declaration
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
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This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was
a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him
by the phone trying to dial 119. - Joan Rivers
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. --Bruce Clark
Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued
Pace University because the math in their computer course
was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the school got
the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000. - Jay Leno
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: "Basement?" - Rodney Dangerfield
The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children...he's got a bad cough and a walker. --Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)
It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel. - John Mendoza
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go
ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. --
Rodney Dangerfield
The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the
guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear the high
heels but I am going to need a handicapped parking space. -- Margaret Smith
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Ineffective Daily Affirmations
- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.
- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
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MY MOTHER THE TEACHER
My Mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside--
I just finished cleaning"
My Mother taught me RELIGION
"you better pray that will come out of the carpet"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, i'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, That's why"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
an accident"
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"
My mother taught me to be a CONTORTIONIST
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all the spiniach is finished"
My mother taught me about the WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado swept through your room ".
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward
you--would you listen?"
My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
times--Don't Exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I Brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are million of less fortunate children in this
world who wish they had food-- now eat everything on
your plate!"
THANKS; MOM!
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CleanLaugh.
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Some people are making such thorough preparations for a rainy day that they completely miss today's sunshine."
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Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
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Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."