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Lexus
A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music,and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.
"JERKS!" she yelled.......
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks,Jane Fonda, John Kerry and Michael Moore.
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Words... WISE WORDs
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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You might be a Floridian if:
You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time
You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color
You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in"
than "screened in"
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months
You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster
You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw
Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted
You now own 5 large ice chests
Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street
You're depressed when they don't stop
You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags
You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20"
chainsaw
You know what "Bar chain oil" is
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas
You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric
And finally, you might be a Floridian if:
You ask your relatives up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the other monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"The word is celebrate" sobs the old monk.
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Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee today to inform the people of Florida of new state symbols. The changes take effect immediately and must be implemented by all official agencies. The changes are as follows: The Florida State Flag will now be a blue tarp............... The license plate symbol of two oranges will be replaced by a chain saw..... The new State song will be " Blowing in the Wind".................. (personally, I think the new State song should be "Rock me like a Hurricane"! - Annette)The state motto will now be..."Oh my God, Here comes another one"..... The new state beverage will be.............anything with an alcohol base. The new State tree will be ...............any that are left standing at the end of hurricane season. The new State Bird will be the "whipper"will............. The new State nickname will be "State of Disaster"................ However, keep in mind, that Disney w ill be the "last man standing" as they are up and running...............
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I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.