"Hitchhiker Problem"
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John
checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that
was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there!
So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said,
"Hand over the wallet immediately!"
The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove off.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the
experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John,
do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
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Oneliner
"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in
the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."
- Dick Gregory
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"Potato Problem"
One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant. Dad was
about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the
potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!"
The waitress picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the
plate, then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
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The Part About Noon, They Got THAT Right
This technician supports a group of grocery stores, and they're in
the process of being renovated. His job: shift the equipment in the
customer service booth, and do it with a minimum of downtime.
But the renovation plans don't make that easy. "Moving the equipment
-- cash registers, PCs, Western Union and lottery machines --
normally only takes about an hour," he says. "But the old customer
service area and the new one overlapped."
"This required closing customer service for several hours while the
new counters were installed and power and data cables were pulled."
He has already been through this process at another store. That time,
it ultimately took 20 hours of work on-site, with an overnight break,
to get it all moved.
So he's skeptical when he's told everything will be ready for him
when he arrives. But the project supervisor swears that the engineers
have confirmed that all the construction will be completed by noon.
"When I arrived at the store at 11:30, I found the new customer
service counters still outside and work not yet started," he sighed.
"I started chatting with the construction lead and quickly found out why."
"The engineers had told them work could START at noon."
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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in
1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country
has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes:
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman... neither
works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put
it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading,
few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to
pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta' the bag is a whole lot easier 'n
puttin' it back.
And finally: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a
hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're
full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions