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From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for these:
When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of two
choices: take it or leave it.
Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep on singing.
We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.
No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck, He could never test himself.
Everything now seems to be under Federal control except the National debt and the budget.
Eventually every woman reaches the age when she doesn't want any birthdays but still wants the presents.
There are times that parenthood seems like nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.
It is better to nobly remembered than to be nobly born.
Life is a play; tis not its length, but its performance that counts.
A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.
Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?
The only time that a woman really changes a man is when he is a baby.
Some people don't tolerate intolerance.
Children have more need for models than critics.
Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on the food chain as we think.
We live in an age where people would rather be envied than esteemed and when that happens, God help us.
There is many a tear in the heart that never reaches that eye. Most people spread more gossip than they dig up.
There is none so blind than he who will not see.
Light is the task when many share the toil.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
A man is no better than his word and no bigger than what it takes to make him mad.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statue has never been erected in honor of a critic.
Most failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that is secret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an open book---generally a checkbook.
We have killed more people celebrating our Independence Day, than we lost fighting for it.
We should never blame the government for not doing something, it's when they do something is when they become dangerous.
Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, and they didn't. They got worse.
The news that's not fit to print is what makes the newspapers.
A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse, not a remarkable mathematician.
Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's advice and to take everybody's advice.
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then just eat one piece.
When love adorns the home, other decorations are secondary.
Make your life a prayer.
To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path of feast resistance.
Beware of the person that likes to have their cake ---and yours, too.
Be yourself----who is better qualified ?
Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.
Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.
Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they will leave the impression they need it.
In life, as in football, you won't go far unless you know which way the goal-post is.
Some people who are looking for jobs are not necessarily looking for work.
A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back to the crowd.
Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightning without letting him feel the jolt.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else. Success usually comes to those who are too busy to look for it.
The one thing worse than being alone is wishing you were.
An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets to laugh.
Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained by the devil.
There are some people who wind up on third base and never make it home.
In life, you can never do a kindness too soon because you never know when it will be to late.
Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hard to unspread it.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get far away in between times.
Don't count your years; make your years count!
Faults are thick where love is thin.
We usually admire the other fellow more, after we have tried to do his job.
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Little Josh was brought to Dr Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.
Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere till you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave. "
Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "Ok. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."
Dr Gill was ok with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.
Dr Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.
So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two and then Dr Gill eat half. Dr Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing barely managing to keep his cool said, "Ok, now eat!"
Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
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Recycle
The age old tradition of giving birthday cards was one that my family faithfully observed when I was growing up. As a child I received those cutesy-cutesy kids cards that I never looked at longer than to inspect them for cold hard cash. As I got older, the tradition changed to include the giving of humorous cards. Instead of looking for cash on the inside, I looked for a punchline. It was a very delightful and fun tradition.
Once on my father's birthday, one of my brothers was having a hard time finding just the right card. None of the usual humor cards seemed quite funny enough so he decided to improvise. "Wishing you the best on your Bar Mitzvah," the card read. Not particularly humorous if you happen to be Jewish but but if you happen to be Presbyterian; well, I think you know what I mean.
My brother scratched out all references to Bar Mitzvah and replaced them with the word "Birthday." I think he had more fun making the card and with the anticipation of giving the card than he did in the actual giving. It was a big hit with our dad.
When my brothers birthday came around, my other brother had forgotten to get a card. The dilemma of what to do was quickly solved when he ran across the old Bar Mitzvah card that had been given to our dad. He simply scratched out our brothers signature and replaced it with his own. He then put it back in the original envelope while replacing "To Dad" with our brother's name. A little clear tape sealed the deal.
Thus began a tradition that lasted many years and fit right in with our Scottish heritage. The same Bar Mitzvah card was passed around until there was no longer any room another signature. Somewhere along the line the tradition was forgotten to the point where I haven't seen any reused birthday cards for many years. However, one of my brothers has a birthday coming up soon and I hope he isn't reading this. If he is, he knows what he's getting.
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"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" - Dave Barry
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Grandfather Turkey
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey
scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she
gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over
in his gravy."