Vernon Allen professor of accounting at FSU Ocala noticed that his kitchen sink at
his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the
next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working
as before.
Vernon was delighted. However, when the plumber gave
him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to
him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't
you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But
remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only
seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his
life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or
two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that
every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the
eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just
happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher,
to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the
area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He
jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had
forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he
filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and
other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As
a result, he got "minus pi times r square."
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He
got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he
always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a
frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch
the limits of the integral!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"My wife and I know we have to make a few sacrifices for our marriage to
work, but the animal shelter people are beginning to get a little
suspicious." - Jerry Embry
+++++++++++++++++++
Motorcycle Inflammation
How a motorcyclist nurses an inflamed appendix...
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter's Politics
Looking for a spectacular bungalow-mansion in heaven?
While standing in line at the Pearly Gates, a minister stood sizing up the applicants. The guy in front of him was obviously wealthy, with a tailored suit and expensive briefcase.
When they got to the gates, St. Peter asked the well-dressed man, “So what was your occupation?”
The man answered, “I was a politician.”
St. Peter ran over and hit a huge gong.
Immediately full choirs of angels appeared, singing a joyful chorus. A golden carpet rolled out, leading to one of the biggest mansions in all of heaven.
The minister thought to himself, “Well, if a politician gets that sort of welcome, I can hardly wait to see what I get!”
Sure enough, he stepped up to St Peter and announced, “I was a full-time minister for 40 years, working day and night for God.”
Without even looking up, St. Peter handed him a rather ordinary key and pointed him to a nice, but not particularly spectacular bungalow-mansion.
“There must be some mistake,” the minister replied. “That lawyer got a hero's welcome, but I only get a smallish house.”
St. Peter replied, “we've got a lot of ministers up here, but he's our first politician!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Wish-Granting Mirror
Mirror, Mirror on the French Wall - who's the fairest blonde of all?
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there's a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth. If you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first. “I think I'm the smartest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try. “I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The blonde goes up. “I think...”
“POOF!”