********************************
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee recently with
two
ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its
fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those
fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let
them
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into
this here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish! can't do that! says the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really
works."
"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We in Tennessee may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
aren't as dumb as most government employees.
********************************
"Fog Mail"
The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young
blonde. As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist
asked a series of questions to determine if she was
emotionally suitable for the company. Things were not
going well for the young blonde.
The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to
give the blonde one last chance. He asked, "if you
could have a conversation with someone, living or
dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
********************************
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move it means go someplace else not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note -- placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.
When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and
trying to grab the ball through the glass is not
helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you
achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie
points.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time ... there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years -- canine
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs'
butts. I can not stress this enough. It would be such
a simple change for you guys to make.
If the bedroom window is closed, and your mom is still
sleeping soundly in bed, there is no need to bark at a
squirrel that is running along the electrical wires
between two poles. Not only does the squirrel not hear
you, but you are at least 30 feet from the squirrel,
and it is straight up in the air. Standing on your
mom's stomach (even though it is under the covers)
with all your weight is not very comfortable, so if
mom says "oomph!" please reposition yourself elsewhere
on the bed instead of leaning forward to check what's
wrong with mom.
Also, the neighbor's newspaper delivery at 5 am is no
time to warn me about intruders. And just because some neighborhood cats are busy producing more kittens doesn't mean they want you to interrupt their intimate encounter, no matter how much noise they're making!
When I get up in the middle of the night, in the dark,
please choose one:
a) lie still and trust I can both see and avoid you;
b) panic and get up, but do it *before* I try to step
over you;
c) Consistency counts.
And that thing I'm doing on Sunday mornings, while
sitting on the sofa and sipping my coffee, is called
"reading the newspaper". It is not my way of
initiating a game of hide and seek. I know you don't
know how to read (or simply don't like to, I'm not
sure), but it is very relaxing for me. I will be happy
to get kisses or play with you just as soon as I've
had the chance to relax for a few moments. Punching
the newspaper with your paw and knocking it into my
face does not speed along the process. And nudging my
arm while I'm trying to drink my coffee only causes
hot liquid to spill on my shirt and pants. Again ...
this is not helpful.
We prefer our shoes in pairs, and dry. Picking them up
and randomly distributing them around the house does
not provide us additional mental stimulation by trying
to match pairs. Barking at us when you want to go out,
but our shoes aren't where we left them, does NOT
speed up this process.
That little tab on the back of the boots? It was
supposed to be there.
You consistently fail this test though you've had
plenty of time to study -- If there is a dog toy and a
shoe on the floor side-by-side which one should you
choose to run around the house with?
If we roll over in bed at 5:00 a.m. on a weekend it
DOES NOT mean it is time to get up, go outside, eat,
or play. The preferred reaction is that you also roll
over, and go back to sleep.
The cat is not a chase toy and, in fact, doesn't enjoy
the chase as much as you. Perhaps that is the reason
he smacks you? You don't seem to be able to understand
the connection.
I truly appreciate you efforts to "fluff up" the bed
by scratching but it is easier on all of us if we
don't have to make the bed each night.
Does it occur to you that the reason the door is
closed is to keep YOU out?
We're fully aware that empty stainless steel food
bowls make a loud clanging noise when they are dropped
on the floor. Are you trying to tell us something?
I'm not even going to ask you why you thought the
brand new fence was simply a small added obstacle to
your escape efforts.
One final note -- deer droppings are not doggie breathmints.