Generous Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Mental Release
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful." "Marvelous," said the head of the institution. "Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists." "Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
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Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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Come In
A salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door. He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In". He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?" The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
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"Sister Repair"
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
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CleanQuote
"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway."- Mary Kay Ash
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Illustration - "Worry" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
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Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
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Fight Competition
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'.
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Rowing Away
There was a old lady that was rowing a boat in a corn field. A man stopped and started yelling at her. A second man stopped and asked the first man why he was yelling. The first man said: "Can't you see the lady rowing in the dry corn field?" The second guy said: "Go out and tell her yourself!" The first guy said: "I Would but... I can't swim!"
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Evil Brothers
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews. One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see. "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words." After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 29th
Weird News
Ore. family finds giant lizard in backyard
GRANTS PASS, Ore. (UPI) -- Members of an Oregon family say they were shocked to find a 6-foot Nile Monitor lizard in their yard just feet from where their children were playing. Ryan Nelson of Grants Pass said he was taking his young children inside for their baths when he saw the 60-pound reptile in his peripheral vision, KTVL-TV of Medford reported Tuesday. "I heard a noise. I thought it was cats at first. And I looked and it's a -- what I thought was -- an alligator at first," Nelson said. "It freaked me out. I was just boggled about why it was in my yard and how it got here and how long it's been here because the kids are out here playing all the time." Nelson said his wife phoned MB Reptiles, which sent Dalton Brown to capture the Nile Monitor. Nelson and Brown said it took several minutes to capture the lizard, which had taken refuge under the family's deck. A neighbor claimed ownership of the lizard. MB Reptiles said he will be able to take the lizard home if he presents proof of ownership and compensates the pet store for the time it has been in its care.
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Politician accused of watermelon theft
EDENTON, N.C. (UPI) -- A man running for the Chowan County Board of Commissioners in North Carolina has been charged with stealing a $3 watermelon from a farmer's field. Dana Soles is scheduled to appear Sept. 23 in District Court on a felony larceny of ungathered crops charge, which could land him in jail for up to 30 months if he is convicted, the (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported Tuesday. Soles said he was en route to delivering groceries to the family of a former colleague who had lost his job Aug. 21 when he came across a field of watermelons that he said he heard was due to be tilled. He said he took the watermelon and placed it in his car and admitted to initially denying he had put anything in the vehicle when a deputy stopped to ask if he was having car trouble, Sheriff Dwayne Goodwin said. Goodwin said Soles eventually admitted to taking the watermelon and was issued a summons Aug. 29. Soles said the watermelons "were rotting out there" and he "honestly didn't know it was a crime" to remove one of them. Soles is running on the Republican ticket for District 1, Seat 1 in November's race against Democrat Emmett Winborne. He said he offered to pay the farmer for the watermelon and he believes his prosecution is politically motivated. "Had I not been running for office I think things would have been different," he said. "I don't feel I'm the criminal they're making me out to be."
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Lawyers asked not to pat police backs
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (UPI) -- A Virginia Beach, Va., judge said defense lawyers have been asked to halt the practice of patting police officers on the back. Chief General District Judge Gene Woolard said that while there has been no evidence of impropriety, the back-patting can leave the impression of a "good old boy system" that the court would rather do without, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Tuesday. A report in a recent newsletter of the Virginia Beach Bar Association said some judges worry the gesture could appear prejudicial.
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Police: Wrong number led to drug arrest
JAMESTOWN, Tenn. (UPI) -- Police in Jamestown, Tenn., said a man and his mother were arrested after they allegedly tried to trade drugs with a uniformed police officer. Investigators said Joel Beaty, 33, apparently called the wrong number when he phoned police dispatch and addressed the dispatcher, an off-duty police officer, as if he were a drug dealer, WBIR-TV, Knoxville, Tenn., reported Tuesday. The officer said Beaty seemed to be under the influence of drugs when he requested that the officer come to a parking lot next to his home and sell him morphine in exchange for other drugs. The dispatch officer said he showed up in uniform to make the trade and Beaty's mother, Joyce, handed her son the drugs he was allegedly planning to trade for the morphine, the broadcaster reported. Beaty and his mother were both charged with delivery of Schedule III drugs. The 33-year-old was also charged with public intoxication.
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Alternate Forms of Communication
During an attack of laryngitis, a woman lost her voice completely for two days.
To help her communicate with him, her husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
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Do You Have An HMO?Explaining American medicinesee also HMO Judgment Day
Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn't do that.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.Q. Will health care be different in the next century?A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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"Newborn Utterance"
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.
Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
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Oneliner
"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster."
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CleanPun - "Happy Cows"
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid.
Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.
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”Bacon Tree”
The Bacon Tree Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days.
Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Middle-Aged BarbieThe Barbie Doll was introduced in 1959. She has gone through several evolutions over the past 49 years. Now, at long last there are some NEW Barbie dolls, to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Ore. family finds giant lizard in backyard
GRANTS PASS, Ore. (UPI) -- Members of an Oregon family say they were shocked to find a 6-foot Nile Monitor lizard in their yard just feet from where their children were playing. Ryan Nelson of Grants Pass said he was taking his young children inside for their baths when he saw the 60-pound reptile in his peripheral vision, KTVL-TV of Medford reported Tuesday. "I heard a noise. I thought it was cats at first. And I looked and it's a -- what I thought was -- an alligator at first," Nelson said. "It freaked me out. I was just boggled about why it was in my yard and how it got here and how long it's been here because the kids are out here playing all the time." Nelson said his wife phoned MB Reptiles, which sent Dalton Brown to capture the Nile Monitor. Nelson and Brown said it took several minutes to capture the lizard, which had taken refuge under the family's deck. A neighbor claimed ownership of the lizard. MB Reptiles said he will be able to take the lizard home if he presents proof of ownership and compensates the pet store for the time it has been in its care.
///
Politician accused of watermelon theft
EDENTON, N.C. (UPI) -- A man running for the Chowan County Board of Commissioners in North Carolina has been charged with stealing a $3 watermelon from a farmer's field. Dana Soles is scheduled to appear Sept. 23 in District Court on a felony larceny of ungathered crops charge, which could land him in jail for up to 30 months if he is convicted, the (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported Tuesday. Soles said he was en route to delivering groceries to the family of a former colleague who had lost his job Aug. 21 when he came across a field of watermelons that he said he heard was due to be tilled. He said he took the watermelon and placed it in his car and admitted to initially denying he had put anything in the vehicle when a deputy stopped to ask if he was having car trouble, Sheriff Dwayne Goodwin said. Goodwin said Soles eventually admitted to taking the watermelon and was issued a summons Aug. 29. Soles said the watermelons "were rotting out there" and he "honestly didn't know it was a crime" to remove one of them. Soles is running on the Republican ticket for District 1, Seat 1 in November's race against Democrat Emmett Winborne. He said he offered to pay the farmer for the watermelon and he believes his prosecution is politically motivated. "Had I not been running for office I think things would have been different," he said. "I don't feel I'm the criminal they're making me out to be."
///
Lawyers asked not to pat police backs
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (UPI) -- A Virginia Beach, Va., judge said defense lawyers have been asked to halt the practice of patting police officers on the back. Chief General District Judge Gene Woolard said that while there has been no evidence of impropriety, the back-patting can leave the impression of a "good old boy system" that the court would rather do without, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Tuesday. A report in a recent newsletter of the Virginia Beach Bar Association said some judges worry the gesture could appear prejudicial.
///
Police: Wrong number led to drug arrest
JAMESTOWN, Tenn. (UPI) -- Police in Jamestown, Tenn., said a man and his mother were arrested after they allegedly tried to trade drugs with a uniformed police officer. Investigators said Joel Beaty, 33, apparently called the wrong number when he phoned police dispatch and addressed the dispatcher, an off-duty police officer, as if he were a drug dealer, WBIR-TV, Knoxville, Tenn., reported Tuesday. The officer said Beaty seemed to be under the influence of drugs when he requested that the officer come to a parking lot next to his home and sell him morphine in exchange for other drugs. The dispatch officer said he showed up in uniform to make the trade and Beaty's mother, Joyce, handed her son the drugs he was allegedly planning to trade for the morphine, the broadcaster reported. Beaty and his mother were both charged with delivery of Schedule III drugs. The 33-year-old was also charged with public intoxication.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Alternate Forms of Communication
During an attack of laryngitis, a woman lost her voice completely for two days.
To help her communicate with him, her husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Do You Have An HMO?Explaining American medicinesee also HMO Judgment Day
Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn't do that.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.Q. Will health care be different in the next century?A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Newborn Utterance"
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.
Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Happy Cows"
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid.
Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Bacon Tree”
The Bacon Tree Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days.
Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Middle-Aged BarbieThe Barbie Doll was introduced in 1959. She has gone through several evolutions over the past 49 years. Now, at long last there are some NEW Barbie dolls, to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 28th
Weird News
Ex allegedly plotted against hubby's nose
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man claims a former friend attempted to obtain hired muscle to break her ex-husband's nose. Hugo Gomez says Brazilian dancer Mariliza Cotoulas asked him to hire two men to break the nose of her ex, computer salesman Vassili Cotoulas, 46, "because his appearance mattered so much to him," the New York Post reported. "She asked me how much it would take to beat ... him," Gomez said. Vassili Cotoulas told the newspaper "she wanted to break my nose ... because of my plastic surgery." However, he claims she did not want her hired thugs to stop with his nose. "She wanted to have me put in a coma, or a wheelchair," he said. Mariliza Cotoulas was arrested on suspicion of criminal solicitation and other charges.
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Luck lands student in dad's dorm room
EAST LANSING, Mich. (UPI) -- The father of a Michigan State University student said fate landed the 18-year-old in the same dorm room his dad stayed in 30 years ago. Rich Robell, 50, said he was shocked when his son, Mike, received his room assignment at Emmons Hall, B310, the same room he moved into as a freshman in 1978, The Detroit News reported. Tim Knight, housing operations complex manager for Brody and West Circle complexes at the school, said many students request the dorm rooms that their parents once occupied, but it is highly unusual for a student to wind up in the same room as a parent strictly by luck of the draw. "After 37 years as a full-time employee ... this is the first time that I'm aware of that someone was simply offered the space. It really is an incredible coincidence," Knight said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marital Accounting
A Milwaukee man had been keeping a detailed set of personal record books since he got married in 1949.
One day his wife, transferring his records to a new desk, started thumbing through some of the old accounts.
In the 1949 book, under Non-Recurring Expenses, she found this item: "One Honeymoon."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Subject: The Gut Issue
The first time I read this quote, I thought it was dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would this apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how absurd it is.
* You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become district manager after 143 days of experience. * You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience of being a surgeon. * You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after 143 days of experience. * You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days of experience. * You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience. BUT.... * 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. * That 's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working.
* After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?
We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.
AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public seems to feel comfortable with this and are campaigning for him.
We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work, yet some are OK with this for the President of the United States of America?
Come on folks, we are not voting for the next American Idol.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baby SisterUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make theirdays interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes,andwhen I came out, there was a traffic cop writing out a parking ticket.I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.'He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care because I had ridden the bus downtown, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said , 'Obama in '08 .'
Now that I'm retired, I try to have a little amusement each day.
It's important for my emotional health.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have
you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still
it's a horror." -Jay Leno
***
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse
destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than
60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the
blaze." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying
on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid
would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles,
my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's
this?" she asked.
"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to
her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."
"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile,
"we'll use it next Christmas Eve."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Price of Heroism
A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?" "Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?" "That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary. "I'm here now, aren't I?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Not So Great
Three baseball fans were having a conversation about what they would do when they die. When they finished they all agreed that the first one to die had to come back and tell the other two if they had a baseball team in heaven. Two months later one dies in a car accident. After the other two left the funeral they went to watch a baseball game. During the game they both felt a spirit around them and finally they realized it was the one that died. So at the same time they asked if they had baseball in heaven. The guy said "Yes yes yes they do but the bad thing is you're pitching Wednesday!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Office Supplies
A little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Underwater
DAD: How are your exams son? BOY: Underwater. DAD: Underwater? What do you mean? BOY: They're below C level.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Biblical Headlines
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal
media...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
Ex allegedly plotted against hubby's nose
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man claims a former friend attempted to obtain hired muscle to break her ex-husband's nose. Hugo Gomez says Brazilian dancer Mariliza Cotoulas asked him to hire two men to break the nose of her ex, computer salesman Vassili Cotoulas, 46, "because his appearance mattered so much to him," the New York Post reported. "She asked me how much it would take to beat ... him," Gomez said. Vassili Cotoulas told the newspaper "she wanted to break my nose ... because of my plastic surgery." However, he claims she did not want her hired thugs to stop with his nose. "She wanted to have me put in a coma, or a wheelchair," he said. Mariliza Cotoulas was arrested on suspicion of criminal solicitation and other charges.
///
Luck lands student in dad's dorm room
EAST LANSING, Mich. (UPI) -- The father of a Michigan State University student said fate landed the 18-year-old in the same dorm room his dad stayed in 30 years ago. Rich Robell, 50, said he was shocked when his son, Mike, received his room assignment at Emmons Hall, B310, the same room he moved into as a freshman in 1978, The Detroit News reported. Tim Knight, housing operations complex manager for Brody and West Circle complexes at the school, said many students request the dorm rooms that their parents once occupied, but it is highly unusual for a student to wind up in the same room as a parent strictly by luck of the draw. "After 37 years as a full-time employee ... this is the first time that I'm aware of that someone was simply offered the space. It really is an incredible coincidence," Knight said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Marital Accounting
A Milwaukee man had been keeping a detailed set of personal record books since he got married in 1949.
One day his wife, transferring his records to a new desk, started thumbing through some of the old accounts.
In the 1949 book, under Non-Recurring Expenses, she found this item: "One Honeymoon."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Subject: The Gut Issue
The first time I read this quote, I thought it was dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would this apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how absurd it is.
* You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become district manager after 143 days of experience. * You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience of being a surgeon. * You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after 143 days of experience. * You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days of experience. * You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience. BUT.... * 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. * That 's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working.
* After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?
We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.
AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public seems to feel comfortable with this and are campaigning for him.
We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work, yet some are OK with this for the President of the United States of America?
Come on folks, we are not voting for the next American Idol.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baby SisterUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make theirdays interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes,andwhen I came out, there was a traffic cop writing out a parking ticket.I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.'He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care because I had ridden the bus downtown, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said , 'Obama in '08 .'
Now that I'm retired, I try to have a little amusement each day.
It's important for my emotional health.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have
you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still
it's a horror." -Jay Leno
***
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse
destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than
60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the
blaze." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying
on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid
would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles,
my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's
this?" she asked.
"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to
her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."
"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile,
"we'll use it next Christmas Eve."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Price of Heroism
A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?" "Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?" "That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary. "I'm here now, aren't I?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Not So Great
Three baseball fans were having a conversation about what they would do when they die. When they finished they all agreed that the first one to die had to come back and tell the other two if they had a baseball team in heaven. Two months later one dies in a car accident. After the other two left the funeral they went to watch a baseball game. During the game they both felt a spirit around them and finally they realized it was the one that died. So at the same time they asked if they had baseball in heaven. The guy said "Yes yes yes they do but the bad thing is you're pitching Wednesday!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Office Supplies
A little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." "Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown. "However, you sent us some golf pencils... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Underwater
DAD: How are your exams son? BOY: Underwater. DAD: Underwater? What do you mean? BOY: They're below C level.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Biblical Headlines
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal
media...
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
Saturday, September 27, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 27th
UK Parking WardensSometimes it seems that government employees in the UK will enforce every rule to its extreme, except for one, "use your head." Take parking enforcers ... please1. Trucking ridiculousIt was a normal day for truck driver Michael Collins, who was on his way to collect a skip in London’s Belsize Park. But then, without warning, his truck lurched as the road beneath him collapsed. Unknown to Michael, a burst water main had caused the road to give way, creating a deep hole where the front wheels of his 17-ton truck became stuck.While he was waiting for his lorry to be rescued, a passing parking attendant appeared. To the astonishment of nearby residents and despite Michael’s protests, she stood on tiptoe and whacked a parking ticket on the truck's windscreen, uttering the immortal words, "You can appeal."2. Bad news comes in treesIf a tree fell on your car and you escaped death by mere inches, you might think that you would get some sympathy from your local council. Sadly, no such compassion was forthcoming when one family suffered just such a fate under the parking rules of Wychavon District CouncilNicky Clegg from Stoulton, near Pershore, was driving along the Bromwich Road with her 82-year-old mother and her 11-year-old son when without warning a tree crashed on her car. Miraculously they escaped death but the car ended up with a crushed bonnet (hood), smashed windscreen and broken wing mirrors.Police dragged the wrecked car to the side of the road and told Nicky that it was fine to leave it there and she could pick it up the following day. But when Nicky came back the next day, she was astonished to find a parking ticket on the window.3. Feeling run down?Think that being badly injured is an excuse to park illegally? Think again. When Nadhim Zahawi of South London was thrown from his scooter and left lying in the road with a broken leg, a heartless warden from Lambeth Council slapped a £100 ticket on his bike.4. Horse playYou leave your horse in the street and what do you expect to find when you get back? A small pile of manure perhaps, but not a parking ticket. Amazingly, however, this is exactly what happened to Robert McFarland, a retired blacksmith from Yorkshire when he left his trusty steed, Charlie Boy, for a few brief moments. On the ticket, the over-zealous warden had written the vehicle description as "brown horse."5. Daylight robberyIt started off just like any other day for Fred Holt when he went to his local bank. But the ordinary day turned extraordinary when two masked men burst into the bank brandishing an axe and a machete. In the terrifying raid, the robbers held a young cashier hostage with an axe to her throat. Customers were forced to lie on the floor as staff were made to hand over cash.If being a victim of this horrifying event wasn't bad enough, 77 year old Mr Holt had parked his car nearby, and by the time he had given a statement to police officers, his car had been there for 20 minutes longer than allowed.Mr. Holt was not worried because the police officers who interviewed him said that traffic wardens had been told about the raid and asked not to issue tickets. But when Mr. Holt got back to his car he was astounded to find a £30 parking ticket pinned to his windscreen ... the reason: overstaying his allowed time in the street.6. Bloody ridiculous"Do Something Amazing Today" runs the slogan of the National Blood Service. In Sutton, a traffic warden did just that, though not along the lines of "Save a life. Give Blood" that the advertisement intended.For four years, a mobile National Blood Service truck has visited Sutton, parking at the same spot outside a group of offices, so volunteers can give blood. But seeing the good citizens of the town turn up and exchange a pint of the red stuff in return for a cup of tea and a biscuit was too much of a temptation for one parking attendant. Whilst those inside were giving blood, the parking attendant gave in his own unique way ... in the form of parking tickets.Sutton council eventually waived the fine, saying the parking attendant had made a simple error of judgment. Or to put it more aptly, a rush of blood to the head.7. Bus(ted)Picture the situation. You’re a bus driver. You’re driving your bus. You see a queue of people waiting for you at a bus stop. You pull over to pick them up. So far, so good. But wait, not everyone wants to buy a ticket. This chap in the queue wants to give you one instead!This was the extraordinary scene that greeted Manchester bus driver Chris O’Mahony, when he stopped his number 77 bus to let people on. He and his passengers looked on in absolute disbelief as the Manchester City Council parking attendant joined the queue to prepare the parking ticket, deposited the £40 notice and then walked away. The bus driver’s crime? Parking in a restricted area (the bus zone).The attendant said he'd been told to issue tickets to buses that park. Manchester City Council bosses cancelled the ticket and ordered the warden to be retrained. Hopefully, as something other than a warden.8. Heart attackWhile David Holmes was driving along he felt chest pains. So he immediately drove himself to hospital. When he arrived he was forced to park on the road and was treated for a heart attack. A kind nurse left a note on the windscreen saying it was an emergency and that David's daughter would pick the car up later. Despite the note, a pitiless parking attendant slapped a parking ticket on David’s car.Despite an appeal to the local council, the £40 fine was not cancelled.9. Welcome to WarwickshireWarwick is a beautiful part of England but it had no appeal for one man who received a parking ticket from the local Council.Krister Nylander was dismayed to receive a parking ticket in the post (mail) for parking in Warwick. But he knew the parking ticket was wrong because he lives in Sweden and had not visited England since he was 16. The offending vehicle was his 20-ton snowmobile which had barely ever left his barn, let alone Sweden.How did it get the ticket? We've absolutely no Idea.10. Driving you crazyDriving instructors are used to the trials and tribulations of teaching people to drive. Three point turns, as we all know, can be very tricky to learn. So spare a thought for the driving instructor who got a CCTV parking ticket when his pupil stalled whilst attempting a three-point turn and could not restart the car. The offence? Parking more than 50 centimeters from the curb.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dealing With Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Lawyer's Dog and The Butcher
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pet cockatoo's cries bring police
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- Police in a New Jersey city responding to a call of a woman screaming discovered that the noise was coming from a pet cockatoo. Passersby thought the sounds coming from a house in Trenton were those of someone screaming in terror and thought that they heard the words "Help me," WCAU-TV in Philadelphia reported. Police officers had difficulty getting into the house, which was also home to a large German shepherd. Once inside, they found a talking bird named Luna. Luna's owners face no charges.
///
Family gets $19,370 cell phone bill
PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon family racked up a $19,370 cell phone bill in international charges, they said. The Terry family's 200-page AT&T cell phone bill mostly lists fees for sending e-mail messages and photos, which are otherwise covered in their unlimited plan, KPTV of Portland, Ore., reported Thursday. But because a laptop using an AirCard was used in Canada to send e-mails back home, fees began to add up. AT&T says the AirCard allows users to connect to e-mail, the Internet and business applications while traveling, but international use is not included in the Terry's cell-phone plan. They said they asked an AT&T employee about the service before their son left the country. They said they were not warned about international fees. "(We) have a bill that runs normally $250 to $300 for our cell phones," Dave Terry said. "When AT&T saw the numbers getting over $1,000, I would think it's their responsibility to inform us that something was amiss because that card could have been stolen."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"A new study has found that teenagers are drinking less, and
they are smoking less. The reason for the decrease is that
the teens don't want to be a bad influence on their kids."
--Craig Kilborn
***
"Earlier this week in France a 62-year-old man was rushed
to the emergency room and 350 coins were removed from his
stomach. Friends say that the worst part was having to
watch him make change for a dollar." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump...throw him a doughnut."
--Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a pro-
minent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect
to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday
afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dealing With Death
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Lawyer's Dog and The Butcher
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pet cockatoo's cries bring police
TRENTON, N.J. (UPI) -- Police in a New Jersey city responding to a call of a woman screaming discovered that the noise was coming from a pet cockatoo. Passersby thought the sounds coming from a house in Trenton were those of someone screaming in terror and thought that they heard the words "Help me," WCAU-TV in Philadelphia reported. Police officers had difficulty getting into the house, which was also home to a large German shepherd. Once inside, they found a talking bird named Luna. Luna's owners face no charges.
///
Family gets $19,370 cell phone bill
PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon family racked up a $19,370 cell phone bill in international charges, they said. The Terry family's 200-page AT&T cell phone bill mostly lists fees for sending e-mail messages and photos, which are otherwise covered in their unlimited plan, KPTV of Portland, Ore., reported Thursday. But because a laptop using an AirCard was used in Canada to send e-mails back home, fees began to add up. AT&T says the AirCard allows users to connect to e-mail, the Internet and business applications while traveling, but international use is not included in the Terry's cell-phone plan. They said they asked an AT&T employee about the service before their son left the country. They said they were not warned about international fees. "(We) have a bill that runs normally $250 to $300 for our cell phones," Dave Terry said. "When AT&T saw the numbers getting over $1,000, I would think it's their responsibility to inform us that something was amiss because that card could have been stolen."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"A new study has found that teenagers are drinking less, and
they are smoking less. The reason for the decrease is that
the teens don't want to be a bad influence on their kids."
--Craig Kilborn
***
"Earlier this week in France a 62-year-old man was rushed
to the emergency room and 350 coins were removed from his
stomach. Friends say that the worst part was having to
watch him make change for a dollar." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,
doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that
cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump...throw him a doughnut."
--Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a pro-
minent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect
to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday
afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
Friday, September 26, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 26th
St. Paul mayor hits hole in one
ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) -- It was a big week for St. Paul, Minn., Mayor Chris Coleman: his town played host to a national political convention and he hit a hole in one. No sooner had Republicans left town after nominating John McCain as their presidential candidate, than Coleman found himself out on a golf course for a Cystic Fibrosis Foundation charity event Friday. On the par 3 No. 8 at Highland National Golf Course, he pulled out his nine iron and stroked his ball into the hole 150 yards away, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported, citing the mayor's press spokesman and other witnesses.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they
have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American
men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"Gas prices are crazy. It's getting so bad that the Amish are
now complaining." -David Letterman
***
"'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop
at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an
adult. When asked why she said, 'There's still money in the
world that I don't have yet'." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!
Friend: I know!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Well-Dressed ProfessorThe history professor in our very small town, was very concise, stiff and not very friendly to anyone, especially his students. He always dressed to perfection; hat, over coat, jacket, gloves, vest and tie.One day he walked into the only Barber Shop in our town and began to remove his outer garments; his gloves, his top coat, his jacket, his vest, his tie, and finally his eye glasses. He sat down in the chair and the barber asked him what he wanted?He replied very curtly that he wanted a hair cut, and why else would he come into the barber shop and sit down in the chair?"Well," the barber replied, "don't you think that you should remove your hat?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in
the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken."
-Jay Leno
***
"Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It's
$25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don't have to go."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered
free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and
stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered
the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her
to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it
could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T"
and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to
my grandson and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied
"Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?"
He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's In Charge
29 have been accused of spousal abuse7 have been arrested for fraud19 have been accused of writing bad checks117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses3 have done time for assault71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit14 have been arrested on drug-related charges8 have been arrested for shoplifting21 are currently defendants in lawsuits84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baker's Assistant
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Boat Race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a
competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt
ready.
The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason
for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one
person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the
problem, the consultants concluded that too many people were
steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So
as race day neared again the following year, the American
team's management structure was completely reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated,
the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering
the problem.
ST. PAUL, Minn. (UPI) -- It was a big week for St. Paul, Minn., Mayor Chris Coleman: his town played host to a national political convention and he hit a hole in one. No sooner had Republicans left town after nominating John McCain as their presidential candidate, than Coleman found himself out on a golf course for a Cystic Fibrosis Foundation charity event Friday. On the par 3 No. 8 at Highland National Golf Course, he pulled out his nine iron and stroked his ball into the hole 150 yards away, the St. Paul Pioneer Press reported, citing the mayor's press spokesman and other witnesses.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they
have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American
men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"Gas prices are crazy. It's getting so bad that the Amish are
now complaining." -David Letterman
***
"'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop
at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an
adult. When asked why she said, 'There's still money in the
world that I don't have yet'." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde: Mmmm, it smells so good in here! Doesn't it smell
good in here? I love it! I just want to eat what's in my
nose right now!
Friend: I know!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Well-Dressed ProfessorThe history professor in our very small town, was very concise, stiff and not very friendly to anyone, especially his students. He always dressed to perfection; hat, over coat, jacket, gloves, vest and tie.One day he walked into the only Barber Shop in our town and began to remove his outer garments; his gloves, his top coat, his jacket, his vest, his tie, and finally his eye glasses. He sat down in the chair and the barber asked him what he wanted?He replied very curtly that he wanted a hair cut, and why else would he come into the barber shop and sit down in the chair?"Well," the barber replied, "don't you think that you should remove your hat?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in
the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken."
-Jay Leno
***
"Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It's
$25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don't have to go."
-Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered
free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and
stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered
the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her
to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it
could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T"
and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to
my grandson and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied
"Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?"
He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Who's In Charge
29 have been accused of spousal abuse7 have been arrested for fraud19 have been accused of writing bad checks117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses3 have done time for assault71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit14 have been arrested on drug-related charges8 have been arrested for shoplifting21 are currently defendants in lawsuits84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Other Side
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Baker's Assistant
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices, he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Boat Race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a
competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt
ready.
The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss.
Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason
for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
rowing and one person steering; the American team had one
person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the
problem, the consultants concluded that too many people were
steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So
as race day neared again the following year, the American
team's management structure was completely reorganized. The
new structure: four steering managers, three area steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated,
the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering
the problem.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 25th
"I bet you think twice before you leave your wife alone at
night," chided one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up
a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she
can't go with me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to
allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the
grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as
she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the
newspaper will print your age."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Justice Redefined
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You gave me $15,000. And you gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to the first lawyer. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"First Day Answer"
Vernie came home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
Vernie replied, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard and not seen."- Leonardo Da Vinci
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Giving" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes."
"And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely."
"And a goat?" "Sure."
"A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Day in CourtA woman was on trial for killing her husband. All the jurors but one voted to convict her. The one juror was so determined that the woman should be found innocent that she eventually was able to change the mind of all the others, and they all voted "not guilty."Afterwards, the juror who had held out for the innocent vote was questioned by reporters, who asked her how she could have been so certain the woman on trial was innocent. She replied, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for her. After all, she is a widow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Clown's Dog
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor. The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.” This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears. “Why not?” asked the doctor. The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Camel Questions
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde Horses Around
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Wayside Chapel
An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for
a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there
the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would
recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when
everything was settled she returned home to make final
preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the
thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a
Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately
wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a
"W.C." near the room.
The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked
the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C."
and the only solution they could come up with for the
letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote
the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with
her room.
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a
"W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner
of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely
grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open
on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many
people expected during the summer months, I would suggest
that you come early, although there is usually plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation,
particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You
will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their
lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford
to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise
your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ
accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you
to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it
was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush
there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually
reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression
on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy
resident of the district, which rings every time a person
enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush
seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt
want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly:
it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains
her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to
reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will
be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so
that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
N.Y. man has McCain's name, Obama's looks
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man says he shares something in common with both major U.S. presidential candidates -- John McCain's name and Barack Obama's looks. The 40-year-old musician -- whose name just happens to be John McCain, same as the Arizona senator who is the Republican nominee -- said he repeatedly has been told he looks like Obama, the Democratic nominee, the New York Daily News reported. "I travel to Europe a lot, and a few people have said I look like Obama," the lesser-known McCain said. "When people ask me my name, I always say John McCain, like the senator." While McCain says he has not used his famous name and face for any sort of advantage, he admits it comes in handy when calling radio talk shows. "Once I mention that I'm interracial and my name is John McCain, they put me right through," he told the Daily News.
///
Police: Scam forced marital lie from man
OCALA, Fla. (UPI) -- A 27-year-old man told his wife he had been robbed to avoid revealing he actually had been tricked by a scam artist, police in Florida say. Marion County sheriff's deputies said Mario Oscar Carlos initially told authorities he and his wife he had been robbed of $8,000 in cash, but the man allegedly later confessed to making the story up to avoid embarrassment, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported. A police report alleged that after officers noticed inconsistencies in his robbery account, Carlos admitted he actually lost the money to a spiritual healer. Carlos allegedly told police the healer told him to place the cash inside a sock so it could be blessed and then put it in the trunk of his car. He said when he checked on the money Friday, he found the cash-filled sock had been replaced by one filled with only $50, the report alleged. The Star-Banner said for his marital and legal lie, police charged Carlos with filing a false police report.
night," chided one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up
a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she
can't go with me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to
allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the
grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as
she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the
newspaper will print your age."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Justice Redefined
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You gave me $15,000. And you gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to the first lawyer. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"First Day Answer"
Vernie came home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
Vernie replied, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard and not seen."- Leonardo Da Vinci
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Giving" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?" "Yes."
"And if you had a cow?" "Absolutely."
"And a goat?" "Sure."
"A pig?" "Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Day in CourtA woman was on trial for killing her husband. All the jurors but one voted to convict her. The one juror was so determined that the woman should be found innocent that she eventually was able to change the mind of all the others, and they all voted "not guilty."Afterwards, the juror who had held out for the innocent vote was questioned by reporters, who asked her how she could have been so certain the woman on trial was innocent. She replied, "Well, I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for her. After all, she is a widow."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Clown's Dog
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor. The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.” This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears. “Why not?” asked the doctor. The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Camel Questions
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Blonde Horses Around
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Wayside Chapel
An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for
a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there
the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would
recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when
everything was settled she returned home to make final
preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the
thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a
Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately
wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a
"W.C." near the room.
The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked
the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C."
and the only solution they could come up with for the
letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote
the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with
her room.
Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a
"W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner
of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely
grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open
on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many
people expected during the summer months, I would suggest
that you come early, although there is usually plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation,
particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You
will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their
lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford
to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise
your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ
accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you
to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it
was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush
there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually
reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression
on their faces.
The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy
resident of the district, which rings every time a person
enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush
seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt
want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly:
it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains
her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to
reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will
be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so
that they will not disturb the elders.
Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
N.Y. man has McCain's name, Obama's looks
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man says he shares something in common with both major U.S. presidential candidates -- John McCain's name and Barack Obama's looks. The 40-year-old musician -- whose name just happens to be John McCain, same as the Arizona senator who is the Republican nominee -- said he repeatedly has been told he looks like Obama, the Democratic nominee, the New York Daily News reported. "I travel to Europe a lot, and a few people have said I look like Obama," the lesser-known McCain said. "When people ask me my name, I always say John McCain, like the senator." While McCain says he has not used his famous name and face for any sort of advantage, he admits it comes in handy when calling radio talk shows. "Once I mention that I'm interracial and my name is John McCain, they put me right through," he told the Daily News.
///
Police: Scam forced marital lie from man
OCALA, Fla. (UPI) -- A 27-year-old man told his wife he had been robbed to avoid revealing he actually had been tricked by a scam artist, police in Florida say. Marion County sheriff's deputies said Mario Oscar Carlos initially told authorities he and his wife he had been robbed of $8,000 in cash, but the man allegedly later confessed to making the story up to avoid embarrassment, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported. A police report alleged that after officers noticed inconsistencies in his robbery account, Carlos admitted he actually lost the money to a spiritual healer. Carlos allegedly told police the healer told him to place the cash inside a sock so it could be blessed and then put it in the trunk of his car. He said when he checked on the money Friday, he found the cash-filled sock had been replaced by one filled with only $50, the report alleged. The Star-Banner said for his marital and legal lie, police charged Carlos with filing a false police report.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
hUMOR F\or Sept 24th
Our Town Is So Small...
- Our city limits signs are both on the same post! - The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell - The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch - The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2 - The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions - The phone book has only one page - There's nothing doing every minute - The ZIP code was a fraction - Second Street is in the next town over - There's no place to go that you shouldn't - A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes - The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog - The New Year's baby was born in October
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rottweiler and IRS
Question: What is the difference between an overzealous IRS agent and a Rottweiler? Answer: The Rottweiler will let go, eventually.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Forced Landing
A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.
With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he
shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to
get into such a small field?"
"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee
explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the
farmer tow me here."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No Drinking and Smoking
A Grandmother was talking to her young grandson, trying to explain the dangers of smoking. “Now Johnny,” she said, “you have to promise Grandma that, once you’re a grown man, you will never smoke, and never drink.” “Never, Grandma?” asked little Johnny. “Never, boy, not even once,” replied the grandmother. With his eyes wide as saucers, Johnny asked “But won’t I get thirsty?”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Make Me One with Everything
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.” The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.” With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Empire State Building.
This is a great historic fact. The Empire State building is
the only American landmark to have ever had a giant ape on
top of it. Unless you count Maria Shriver as a landmark."
--Dave Letterman
***
"There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn
about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father
nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't
imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me
how to have sex." --Bob Smith
***
"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a
teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking,
and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash-
trays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"'
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana
works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the
things candidates list is their high school and when they
attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name
of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I’m The Boos
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn´t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I´m the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Locked Out"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A goober notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how she is faring.
The goober outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the goober inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right..."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Our goal to promote a non-threatening and productive office environment is to establish language that is gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral, and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit of diversity."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Talking Dog"
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Solution for Sally”
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report... If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house,Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
- Our city limits signs are both on the same post! - The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell - The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch - The 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2 - The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions - The phone book has only one page - There's nothing doing every minute - The ZIP code was a fraction - Second Street is in the next town over - There's no place to go that you shouldn't - A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes - The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog - The New Year's baby was born in October
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rottweiler and IRS
Question: What is the difference between an overzealous IRS agent and a Rottweiler? Answer: The Rottweiler will let go, eventually.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Forced Landing
A flight instructor was sent out to help a trainee who had
radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few
miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane
standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge
to his professional reputation.
With determination, full flaps and engine just above the
stall, he maneuvered into the field. Climbing out, he
shouted angrily to the trainee, "Just how did you manage to
get into such a small field?"
"I landed in the big field over there," the trainee
explained, "but in order to leave room for you, I had the
farmer tow me here."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No Drinking and Smoking
A Grandmother was talking to her young grandson, trying to explain the dangers of smoking. “Now Johnny,” she said, “you have to promise Grandma that, once you’re a grown man, you will never smoke, and never drink.” “Never, Grandma?” asked little Johnny. “Never, boy, not even once,” replied the grandmother. With his eyes wide as saucers, Johnny asked “But won’t I get thirsty?”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Make Me One with Everything
A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.” The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.” With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Empire State Building.
This is a great historic fact. The Empire State building is
the only American landmark to have ever had a giant ape on
top of it. Unless you count Maria Shriver as a landmark."
--Dave Letterman
***
"There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn
about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father
nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can't
imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me
how to have sex." --Bob Smith
***
"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a
teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking,
and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash-
trays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"'
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana
works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the
things candidates list is their high school and when they
attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name
of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I’m The Boos
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn´t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I´m the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Locked Out"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A goober notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how she is faring.
The goober outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the goober inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right..."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Our goal to promote a non-threatening and productive office environment is to establish language that is gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral, and age-neutral while celebrating our spirit of diversity."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Talking Dog"
I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Solution for Sally”
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dr. Seuss, Tech Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report... If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house,Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 23rd
Sick at Last
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Perks of reaching 50
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08.You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won't get much worse.
14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the samenight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phrases of Wisdom
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. - Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. - No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. - A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. - Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. - Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. - Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. - Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. - Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. - Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
20th Anniversary
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Overly Suspicious
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Buying a Machine Factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Emu blocks traffic for two hours
NEW STANTON, Pa. (UPI) -- Pennsylvania State Police say they used a stun gun to subdue an emu that blocked traffic for about two hours near the Pennsylvania Turnpike's New Stanton exit. State troopers said the emu, an Australian cousin to the ostrich, had become trapped Monday between 5-foot-high traffic barriers and resisted all previous attempts to catch it -- including a an attempted cowboy-style lassoing, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported "It created a backlog of traffic," said state police Sgt. Anthony DeLuca. "Vehicles almost wrecked into each other, into the bird. We tried to chase it down and tried to catch it. "Once it got in there it got stuck, and it didn't know what to do." He said troopers eventually used a stun gun on the 4-foot-tall bird and moved it to the side of the roadway but it died shortly after. "I think what happened is after about two hours of running on the roadway, it probably had a heart attack," he said.
///
Police seek 62 mph skateboarder
ULM , Germany (UPI) -- Police in Germany say they are on the lookout for a skateboarder who used a boost from a motorcycle to travel 62 mph down the Ulm-Stuttgart motorway. Authorities said the skateboarder, whose feat was captured on video and broadcast on German TV, traveled for two miles down the steep stretch of highway at excessive speeds, Sky News reported Wednesday. The man, who police said they believe to be a professional stuntman, wore a helmet and a red and white protective suit while speeding down the road. Investigators said he held onto the back of a motorcycle for some time to help him pick up speed.
///
Pet's ID chip helps cops take toddler home
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a pet chip implanted in a dog accompanying a 2-year-old girl who had wandered off helped them find the toddler's home. Officers said they received reports of the child, identified as Annabelle Fabrizio, chasing the dog into traffic at about 7:45 a.m. Sunday, The Palm Beach Post reported Wednesday. The police report of the incident said officers contacted an animal control officer who traced the pet back to registered owner Barbie Molina. The woman told police she had given the pooch to the young girl's mother, Melissa Fabrizio. Police said they took the toddler, who was clad only in a diaper, to her home, where babysitter Nick Westmoreland, 16, told officers he had thought the young girl was asleep in her room. Officers said the house's sliding door had been left open.
//
Woman: Police targeting her car
CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A Cincinnati woman says she has been pulled over repeatedly because police believe her car is connected to a wanted criminal. Rashawn Edwards said she has been pulled over six times since June -- despite not breaking any traffic laws -- because new license plate recognition cameras used by Cincinnati police run her vehicle registration or identification number and tell cops the car is tied to a wanted Cleveland criminal Edwards says she doesn't know, WLWT-TV in Cincinnati reported Wednesday. "I've been pulled over by just about every police district there is in Cincinnati," she said. Edwards said each time she is pulled over, police approach the car cautiously. "It's not guns drawn, but they are kind of intimidated, so they tell us, 'Don't move, stay in the car,'" she said. She said her complaints to the police department and Alfred Motors, which is leasing her car, have failed to yield any results. "I would like to keep the car, but at the same time I would like something to be done about it," she said. "I'm tired of being pulled over every time I drive my car."
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Perks of reaching 50
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08.You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won't get much worse.
14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the samenight.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Phrases of Wisdom
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. - Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. - No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. - A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. - Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. - Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. - Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. - Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. - Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. - Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
20th Anniversary
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Overly Suspicious
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Buying a Machine Factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Emu blocks traffic for two hours
NEW STANTON, Pa. (UPI) -- Pennsylvania State Police say they used a stun gun to subdue an emu that blocked traffic for about two hours near the Pennsylvania Turnpike's New Stanton exit. State troopers said the emu, an Australian cousin to the ostrich, had become trapped Monday between 5-foot-high traffic barriers and resisted all previous attempts to catch it -- including a an attempted cowboy-style lassoing, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported "It created a backlog of traffic," said state police Sgt. Anthony DeLuca. "Vehicles almost wrecked into each other, into the bird. We tried to chase it down and tried to catch it. "Once it got in there it got stuck, and it didn't know what to do." He said troopers eventually used a stun gun on the 4-foot-tall bird and moved it to the side of the roadway but it died shortly after. "I think what happened is after about two hours of running on the roadway, it probably had a heart attack," he said.
///
Police seek 62 mph skateboarder
ULM , Germany (UPI) -- Police in Germany say they are on the lookout for a skateboarder who used a boost from a motorcycle to travel 62 mph down the Ulm-Stuttgart motorway. Authorities said the skateboarder, whose feat was captured on video and broadcast on German TV, traveled for two miles down the steep stretch of highway at excessive speeds, Sky News reported Wednesday. The man, who police said they believe to be a professional stuntman, wore a helmet and a red and white protective suit while speeding down the road. Investigators said he held onto the back of a motorcycle for some time to help him pick up speed.
///
Pet's ID chip helps cops take toddler home
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a pet chip implanted in a dog accompanying a 2-year-old girl who had wandered off helped them find the toddler's home. Officers said they received reports of the child, identified as Annabelle Fabrizio, chasing the dog into traffic at about 7:45 a.m. Sunday, The Palm Beach Post reported Wednesday. The police report of the incident said officers contacted an animal control officer who traced the pet back to registered owner Barbie Molina. The woman told police she had given the pooch to the young girl's mother, Melissa Fabrizio. Police said they took the toddler, who was clad only in a diaper, to her home, where babysitter Nick Westmoreland, 16, told officers he had thought the young girl was asleep in her room. Officers said the house's sliding door had been left open.
//
Woman: Police targeting her car
CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A Cincinnati woman says she has been pulled over repeatedly because police believe her car is connected to a wanted criminal. Rashawn Edwards said she has been pulled over six times since June -- despite not breaking any traffic laws -- because new license plate recognition cameras used by Cincinnati police run her vehicle registration or identification number and tell cops the car is tied to a wanted Cleveland criminal Edwards says she doesn't know, WLWT-TV in Cincinnati reported Wednesday. "I've been pulled over by just about every police district there is in Cincinnati," she said. Edwards said each time she is pulled over, police approach the car cautiously. "It's not guns drawn, but they are kind of intimidated, so they tell us, 'Don't move, stay in the car,'" she said. She said her complaints to the police department and Alfred Motors, which is leasing her car, have failed to yield any results. "I would like to keep the car, but at the same time I would like something to be done about it," she said. "I'm tired of being pulled over every time I drive my car."
Monday, September 22, 2008
hUMOR For Sept 22nd
Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
hUM,OR For Sept 21st
Adam and Eve's Perfect Marriage
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
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Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
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Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
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Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
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The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage? A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!
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Bubba and Earl are Drinking
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
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Tried and Trusted
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
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No teeth bear
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
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"Has everyone seen the Rupublican vice-presidential candidate,
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters."
-David Letterman
***
"The Republican National Convention is still going wild in
Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee
Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in
every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn't
mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and
I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought,
The Rolling Stones! But no." -Craig Ferguson
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A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A
homeowner went to the office to request permission to build
a small toolshed in his backyard.
"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.
"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his
neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of
the shed.
"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece
of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said,
"Here's your permission."
A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also
wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the
director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request.
"Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the
documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know
what the director's decision is, or what further steps are
necessary."
"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got per-
mission right away."
"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we
finally got organized."
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Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Vernie up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Fern. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
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Bounced CheckHas your bank become an impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity?(see also the original 2002 Bank Deposit version)
[This letter was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in a local newspaper…]Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:IMMEDIATELY after dialing, press the star (*) button for English;#1. To make an appointment to see me;#2. To query a missing payment;#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;#5. To transfer the call to my bathroom in case I am showering;#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home;#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier;#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again;#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service;#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?Your Humble Client
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fast Police ResponseWhen you haven't got time to wait for the next policeman...
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”He said, “No.”Then they said, “All patrols are busy - you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.Then he phoned the police again.“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them,” and he hung up.Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at his house, and caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”Don't mess with old people.
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Cross-Eyed CatVern Allen took his cat to the vet."My cat is cross-eyed," Vern said. "Is there anything you can do for her?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at her."So he picks the cat up and examines her eyes and ears and then checks her teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put her down.""What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because she's cross-eyed?""No," said the vet, "because she's really heavy!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.
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