hUMOR For Jan 13th

Vern went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"


"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Dan.

Six months later the doctor met Dan on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now.

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Murphey's Laws Of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

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Computer Airliner

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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Sherlock

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

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CD Player

While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."

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Bobbie Knight, after his team had been sent home from the tournament, began

considering his career, his future, and, as his thoughts turned that

direction, the afterlife. So he contacted his local minister to discuss the

issue. "Reverend, will I be able to coach basketball in Heaven?" he

inquired.

Now, of course, his minister didn't want to give a glib answer, so he told

Bobby that he wanted to pray for a while and ask for some divine inspiration

before responding to his question.

After a week of prayer, the minister called the coach into his study, and

asked him to take a seat. "Bobbie," he said, "I have some good news for you,

and some bad news."

"What's the good news?", asked Coach Knight.

"Well, the good news is that yes, you will be able to coach basketball in

Heaven," replied the minister.

"And the bad news?" asked the coach.

"Well, Bob," responded the minister, "you'll be coaching the visiting team."

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A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter, and

was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a

Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregation.

When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi asked, "Are you Jewish?"

"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.

"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."

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I can resist anything but temptation.

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"Patient Problem"

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

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"Toyota is developing a car with a new device that will

automatically stop the car if the driver has had too much

to drink. The device is called oncoming traffic."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity

drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is

over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.

Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking

your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno

***

"How about this? On this very day in 1861, the first

elevator was introduced here in New York City. First

elevator ever in New York City, or, as we call them now,

restrooms. And it took them ten more years to develop

the 'ding.'" --Dave Letterman

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One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor

feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the

following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch

about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down,

I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When

I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come

down when it gets hungry enough."

How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

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During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs,

a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer

pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do

the driving."

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