Between The Pages
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
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The Deal
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
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The Christian Barber
A here was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen." Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
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The Bible Answer
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
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Neutered?My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered."I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said."How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked."Watch to see if he does any 'male' things.""He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
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"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit
they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of
American men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other."
--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts
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"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check
my balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown
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A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came
upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,
the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a
Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking
for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer,
"Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all ma'life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is
it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his
brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three
days."
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One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I
noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything
to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught
cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
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Theft in New Zealand
Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft
of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland.
When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they
had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go
on."
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For The Kids...
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?A: He didn't give a hoot! Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?A: A Macaw! Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?A: A mynah bird! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A great walkie-talkie!
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Good Pedigree
The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?" "Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
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Reindeer
According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers 'till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.
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Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.