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While on recess duty at the elementary school where I teach, I was talking with several second-graders about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Rhonda said that she was planning to be a nun.
"But, Rhonda," I protested, "last week you said you were going to be President." Giving me her most withering look, she retorted, "I can have two jobs if I want to."
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A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out.
He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was tossed out.
Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."
The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?"
The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."
"HA!," cries the man. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania."
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A Few Funnies
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep
his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking
about chickens being great creatures, and as such they
had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of
his flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his
flower beds were doing great. The flowers were
beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the
birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his
hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my
flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me
gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
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"According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a
wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all
inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the
wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to
live a healthier lifestyle."
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there 3 interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do people test the surface that has a WET PAINT sign
next to it?
Why do young women spend thousands of dollars on makeup to
look older, and when they are older, spend thousands of
dollars on anti-wrinkle cream to look younger?
Why do old guys with bad knees and bad backs buy low riding sport cars? Is it to look younger before or after the excruciating pain of getting in and out of them?
Why do women use gel and a blow-dryer to give their hair
that "just got out of bed" look when they had that look
before they used the gel and blow-dryer?
Why do people on diets eat potato chips and drink diet soda?
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Picture Perfect
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film
was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge
our customers.
Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00,
indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to
see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the
pictures, I apologized profusely.
"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist. These
are my bacteria cultures."