"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take
your eyes off the goal." -Henry Ford
***
"Don't worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor-
row you worried about yesterday."
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Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come
up to us and say, "Look, twins!" During a
though, we were wheeling them in their stroller through a
hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed,
"Look, a pair!"
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Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-
conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained
to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.
"Even the professor is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point
of view. At my age I never thought I would be fooling around
with a college girl again!"
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Bosses Night
At an annual Bosses Night dinner in
secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce
the Boss of the Year.
The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a
graduate of the
some of you as candidates."
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown
eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
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It's All in The Perspective
An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car.
The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.
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We Got It!
Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.
The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"
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Eating Frogs
An economist and an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They come across a frog jumping on the mud.
The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you $20,000!"
The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so he does and collects money.
Frog by Deddi Shy Continuing along the same puddle they almost step into yet another frog. The accountant says:
"Now, if you eat this frog I'll give you $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.
They go on. The accountant starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."
The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
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Searching
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
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Star Wars Punny
One day, Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were at a very
fancy dinner party they had hosted. They were seated in full
view of the rest of the people in attendance, and Luke, his
table manners somewhat lacking, was devouring his bantha
meat with his bare hands.
Obi-Wan, sensing that this display of savageness was rather
disturbing to their guests, leaned over to Luke, and
whispered: "Use the fork, Luke!"
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"The fourth of July is less than a week away. I'm already
trying to figure out which finger to blow off."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"My family gets together with me every Fourth of July. Two
years ago, we saw my uncle drinking out of a flask... turns
out it was charcoal lighter fluid." -David Letterman
***
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, the big story out there con-
tinues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon.
I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill."
-Stephen Colbert
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A wholesaler in
a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest
lawyer who would take a collection case against a local
debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the whole-
saler's goods. He got this reply:
Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received
your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would
be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor.
In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you
sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay
and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the
draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a
note stating that the merchant had refused to pay.
If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the
pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I
thought of your claim.
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An elderly man constantly called his doctor at all hours of
the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with
a litany of imagined ailments.
Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr.
Jones, if you wake me up again in the middle of the night
with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment,
I am going to insist you see another physician. Have I
made myself clear?"
A week later, the unfortunate man slipped and fell down a
flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, en elbow, and
suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and
put in intensive care.
An hour later, his doctor walked in, saw his condition, and
exclaimed "I think you're finally getting the hang of it!"
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Breaking Habits
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.
"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."
"What did you do?"
"I hid his teeth!"
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"Library Argument"
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
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Oneliner
"For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong."
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CleanPun - "X-Ray Failure"
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.
"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.
"I do." said the student.
"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."
"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student
"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."