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Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
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Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.
So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals,
2. Spiked hair and bald spots,
3. A pierced tongue and dentures,
4. Miniskirts and support hose,
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads,
6. Speedos and cellulite,
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar,
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor,
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge,
10. Bikinis and liver spots,
11. Short shorts and varicose veins,
12. In-line skates and a walker.
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Natural Laws ...
"The Law of Volunteering"If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.
"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Berg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
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Mother's Ring
While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my
medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my
hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three
children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me,
she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have birthstones
for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center
gem, "is for the cat."