Phone Call Four
Having trouble finding a lawyer?
Jethro: Hello, is this the law firm of Wilson, Wilson, Wilson, and Wilson?
Voice on the phone: Yes, it is.
Jethro: May I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, he’s out to lunch.
Jethro: Then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, he’s on a business trip.
Jethro: Then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, but he’s out today with a cold.
Jethro: Well, then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: Speaking!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Winter in
Ode to COLD in
It's winter in
And the gentle breezes blow -
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love
When the snow's up to your butt -
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around;
I could never leave
Cause I'm frozen to the ground!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Designated Driver
Helping your friends have a good time at the bar...
During a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall in
After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.
He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie. “Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ...
Helllloooo!!! ... pill bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ...
box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of car in rain storm ... car swamped because sun roof was open.
September
The capital of
October
Hate M & M's ... they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. "Duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
"Employment Search"
My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.
They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the interviews?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Oneliner
"My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk until she's right."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
”Satanic Visit”
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Password Protection
A technician created an account for a new system user, who tells the
tech that he has a hard time remembering things like usernames and passwords.
The tech suggested that he could write it on a small piece of paper
until he memorized it, then destroy it, emphasizing that he shouldn't
write any other information on the paper in case he lost it. The tech
added that it would be the same as writing his PIN on his ATM card.
The user reached in his wallet and pulled out his ATM card and said,
"Like this?"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Wizened Proverbs
- Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
- Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man who break wind in church sit in own pew.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Coffee Dilemma
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"