Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
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May-December Marriage
It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?" "Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything." "Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, "because I've forgotten."
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Do You Pray Before Eating?
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
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Sweet PotatoesEvery morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.One day she asked us for step by step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes - one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"
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Real Funny News Headlines
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again - British Left Waffles on Falkland islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Eye Drops off Shelf - Teacher Strikes Idle Kids - Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
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Baseball Heat
Q: Why does it get hot after baseball game? A: Because all the fans leave!
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Army Pianos
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
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Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
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During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of
various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid.
Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin
won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
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My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate
professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving
directions over the phone.
"Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find
us in the meat department."
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"I know that war is no laughing matter, but if it were, I would hope that
the president would have no problem ordering his generals to send in the
clowns." - Brad Simanek
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Work
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...
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Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter. 9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance. 8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores. 7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps. 6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham. 5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons. 4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender." 3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota. 2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock. 1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
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A Common Bum
Vernon Allen being the bum that he is ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
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The banker fell overboard ...
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
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A girl asked her new seven-year-old neighbor, "What church do you go to?"
"I don't go to church," her playmate said. "I go to a temple. I'm Jewish."
"What's that?" asked the first little girl.
"You know there are Protestants, Catholics and Jews," the girl explained.
"They're are all just different ways of voting for God."