Fairest Tax?
At a business conference in
tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation
they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a
white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll
tax," he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.
"Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."
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Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
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Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
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Have Some Perspective
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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Life's a Mess
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
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"According to his tax return, last year Vice President Dick
Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money
went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, 'Coal for Tots.'"
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Taxes are due Tuesday. I recommend this: At 11 o'clock
Tuesday night, take 20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers.
Put them in an envelope; drive around until you find one of
those post offices that are open until midnight. No problem."
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush
administration, your bank account is being liberated."
—Jay Leno
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"This year, there are some major changes that you, as a tax-
payer, should be aware of. This year, every taxpayer, living
or dead, must file two tax returns. One of these is your
regular tax return, which is for your regular federal govern-
ment headquartered in
a shadow tax return, including a shadow tax payment.
"This is a top-secret operation that, according to The
Washington Post, has been set up in a heavily guarded, un-
disclosed location in the basement of the Big Boy restaurant
in
to ensure that, even if the "unthinkable" happens, we, as
American citizens, will still have a central federal authority
with the ability and resources to provide us with a tax code.
"The shadow government is basically a scaled-down version of
the one in
critical government operations, including lobbyists, an
exact working replica of Dick Cheney, a Starbucks, a five-
foot-high
made up of gerbils wearing tiny suits who have been trained
to hold hearings and authorize the construction of unnecessary
highway projects named after Robert C. Byrd."
-Dave Barry
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One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked
up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from
the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his
pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot,
wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it
just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
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Time Management for School Assignments
SHORT TERM ASSIGNMENTS:
Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner.
- 15 minutes looking for the assignment.
- 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
- 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
- 8 minutes in the bathroom.
- 10 minutes getting a snack.
- 7 minutes checking the TV guide.
- 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
- 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom and Dad to do the assignment.
LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS:
- These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term".
- It is a long term commitment time that begins at 9:30 PM and ends no earlier than 11:50 PM.
- It is important that the whole family is involved in the project.
- It is imperative that at least one family member races to the store for poster board, and that at least one family member ends up in tears. (This does not have to be the student!)
- One parent needs to stay up and complete the project, the other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
- It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.
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"One Hard Question"
There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.
He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."
"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
The student was admitted to the University.
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CleanQuote
"Money talks, but credit has an echo."