”Court Sentence”
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you
would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
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"Drug Store Questions"
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers: "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."
Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."
Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
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CleanQuote
"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me ... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
- Walt Disney
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"Church Attendance"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
It used to be that it was required that in order for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.
Not so, with this physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course. On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.
Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar.
Okay," and signed the card.
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Women's Dictionary
What women say and what they mean
5 Minutes: This is really half and hour, but it's equivalent to the 5 minutes that a guy's football game will last before he takes out the garbage.
Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Barbecue: You brought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he 'made the dinner'.
Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, 'focus... breathe... push...'
Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Drink: Something you buy at a late-night shop to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Exercise: To walk up and down a shopping mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Fine: Used to end an argument when she feels she's right. Men - never use 'fine' to describe how a woman looks.
Grocery List: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hairdresser: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
Lipstick: On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear.
Nothing: The feeling that a woman has to turn you inside out, upside down & backwards. Usually last for 5 minutes and ends with Fine.
Thanks: When a woman is thanking you, do not thank her - just say, 'You're welcome'.
Thanks A Lot: A woman says 'Thanks A Lot' when she's really ticked off at you. You have offended her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask her, 'What's Wrong' because she will only tell you 'Nothing'. Not to be confused with Thanks.
That's OK: One of the most dangerous statements she can make to a man. She wants to think long and hard before paying him back for whatever he's done. Often used with Fine and in conjunction with danger.
Valentine's Day: A day when you dream of a candlelit dinner, diamonds and romance, but are lucky if you get a card.
Waterproof Mascara: Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
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"In
immigrant is about to be deported, but since he's the
school's valedictorian, he's asking President Bush to
help. Bush told the valedictorian, 'Don't worry, I won't
let them send you back to Valedictoria.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"A bunch of people in
Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Here are some of the
songs: 'You Make Me Feel So Hot,' 'Come Fry With Me,' and
'Call Me Biodegradable.'" -David Letterman
***
"Obama's speech was mesmerizing last night — 20,000
screaming fans. I think I know his secret: He throws candy
to the audience." -Craig Ferguson
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My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping
would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice
while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see
how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted
it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards,
scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had
a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager
than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making
the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer
before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do
all the rest."
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The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples
alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the
first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards
down the middle of the fairway.
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just
hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be
fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, the husband said "that's ok sweetheart" and
spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. he
found it just in time, but in a horrible position. he
played the shot of his life to get the ball within two
feet of the hole.
He told his wife to knock the ball in. his wife then pro-
ceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.
still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of
his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. he took the
ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green,
put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that
was a bogey, and that's ok, but I think we can do better
on the next hole."
To which she replied, "Listen dear, don't yell at me,
only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"
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Getting Old
You know you're old when you have owned an album for 3 or more
decades in 5 different formats.
In 1978 - 8-track tape.
In 1983 - Cassette tape.
In 1987 - Vinyl.
In 1994 - CD.
In 2005 - MP3.
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Always Look Busy
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
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In the Army Now
The
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded:
YES SIR.