Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes
down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the
Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to
go water skiing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law