The other day, Shar and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Shar finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right." "Fine." I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong." I grinned and replied, "You're right."
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Canadian Tourism QuestionsPrepare for the 2010 Winter Olympics - ask a Dubm Canadian question, eh!
[As you know, Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics. Here are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The answers are a joe-k, but the questions were really asked...]Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (U.S.A.)A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)A: So it's true what they say about Swedes!Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)A: Let's not touch this one.Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)A: What, did your last slave die?Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (U.S.A.)A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (U.S.A.)A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (U.S.A.)A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo races. Come naked.Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A: No, WE don't stink.Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (U.S.A.)A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)A: Yes, gay nightclubs.Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (U.S.A.)A: Only at Thanksgiving.Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (U.S.A. )A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with beaver juice before you go out walking. Make sure you take a hockey stick with you.Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (U.S.A.)A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Pilot’s Seeing Eye DogThings aren’t always as they appear…
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”Picture this - all the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog… the pilot was even wearing sunglasses.People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
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Coach Inspiring TeamworkSportsmanship from many sides of the field...
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”The little boy nodded in the affirmative.“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”The little boy nodded yes.“So,” the coach continued, “I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a dummy. Do you understand all that?”Again the little boy nodded.He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?”Again the little boy nodded.“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”
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My nephew works at a copy shop that provides a variety of
computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he
had taken of the front of his house. "Would you scan this
picture onto a computer screen?" he asked my nephew.
"Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of
my house."
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Why did the politician cross the road? To get to the middle.