********************************
Canine Complex
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to
explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep
hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here
and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the
furniture."
********************************
This is for you long winded preachers
out there - you know who you are
Seems that during a particularly long sermon a man got
up and began to leave the building.
The preacher called out "Sir? Where are you going? I'm
not finished with the sermon."
The man replied, "I'm going to get a hair cut."
The preacher then asked, "Why didn't you get it cut
before you came to services?"
The man slowly replied, "I didn't need one then."
******************************************************
>From JokeDuJour: "Ways Life Would Change If Men Got
Pregnant"
1. Maternity leave would last two years...with full
pay!
2. There'd be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's No. 1
health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be improved to
100% effectiveness.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until they
were toilet-trained and over the "Terrible Twos."
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.
9. Fathers would demand that their sons be home from
dates by 10 p.m.
10. Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
11. They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
12. Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and
pickles as an entree.
13. Women would rule the world.
********************************
Test For Mental Patients
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time. This little test should get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what is the criteria that defines a
patient to be institutionalized. "Well," said the
Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the
patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would choose the bucket as it is larger than the
spoon." "No," answered the Director. "A normal person
would pull the plug." Did you pass?
********************************
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was
having a lot of problems selling it, because the car
had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked
with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a
possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's
not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can
only sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a
friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I
sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have
a problem anymore trying to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has
50,000 miles on it!"
********************************
Guard Dog
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two suspicious looking men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work." - Peter Drucker
********************************
Ungreatfulness
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"