Basic Training
When I was a recruit in Army basic training, one requirement was a
demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6:00 AM and were pumped up
for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if
the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a
fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we
should reach the starting point any minute now."
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My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one
evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven,
and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.
Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly,
first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We
yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The
car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We
drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.
When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring,
with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad
woke right up.
"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
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"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water
the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
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During my recuperation from surgery, my mom stayed with us to help take care
of the children. One night toward the end
of her visit, she was sitting at the kitchen table. As my husband was trying
to squeeze past, Mom politely asked, "Would you like me to move in?"
Without missing a beat, Michael quipped, "No, thank you!"
The next day Dad arrived to pick her up.
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The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six
days later you're hungry again.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."