"Accident Prayer"
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
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CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
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"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
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For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
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HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
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A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
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Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien "Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno "Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno "The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien "Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno "Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien "Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno
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The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
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