"Some people have a way with words, and other people, not have way." - Steve
Martin
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Panty HoseA little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"
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Marriage Quotes
- Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. - Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. - Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. - Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. - Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. - Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. - Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. - Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
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Painting Shows it All
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
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New Haircut
Women's version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version: Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.
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For The Kids...
Where do you take sick ponies? To the horsepital! What do you say if you see a flying pig?'I see bacon's going up'! Who tells chicken jokes?Comedihens! What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes?A swine gut! Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground?To get to the other side!
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When a huge semi-trailer truck overturned in my town recently a TV reporter
gave the news as follows: "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby
woods."
After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that
overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."
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More Newspaper Bloopers
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump.
The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
living.
Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.
classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.
Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.
The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers.
The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle.
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I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait until they fall off
the trees.