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Mom's Definitions (Part 2)
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned
into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of
Mom's favorite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a
full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling
clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to
play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never
find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a
football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the
first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom
who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold
and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like
Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime
and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note
in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.
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Here is today's CleanPun.
"Good afternoon, my good barkeep, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man as he entered the tavern.
"Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman.
"Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted.
"No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?"
"Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You
know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see
very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Million," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."
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Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," Morris said. "why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
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Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week, he came home from school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" he protested loudly. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day-all week long. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."The friend said, "Well, who is she?""That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."