CleanPun - "Meritrix"
Once Horace Gold went too far. He rejected a story of mine which he called "meretricious." The word is from the Latin meretrix, meaning "prostitute," so that the implication was that I was prostituting my talent and was writing a bad story that would get by on my name alone because I was too lazy to write a good one. (This was not true, by the way. This particular story was sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.)
Swallowing my annoyance, I said mildly, "What was that word you used?"
Obviously proud at knowing a word he felt I didn't know, Horace enunciated carefully, "Meretricious!"
Whereupon I said, "And a Happy New Year to you."
(By Isaac Asimov)
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”Mistakes”
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."
"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.
"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
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Crisis
There can't be another crisis this week, my schedule is completely full.
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Bad Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
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Regular or Premium
When the family car developed a slight knock, the wife asked her husband if he had bought regular or premium gas, but he couldn't remember.
"You probably got the cheaper gas," she said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."
"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" he replied indignantly.
"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the wife.
"It cost the same as always," said the husband. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."
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Rabbit Humor
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hair line.
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This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are
bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes
to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that
he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for
several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his
hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guy's eyes are still
bulging and his ears are still protruding, more so now that his hair is
gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has
a liver problems and that they will have to remove part of his liver. So the
guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still
bulging and his ears are still protruding.
Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who
tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his
ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his
hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.
Months later, the man still has the problem. He goes to another specialist
who informs him that the cause is a rare blood disease and that the man only
has a few months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves
that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out
to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However,
when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a
17-inch neck.
"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch
neck."
"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
"What?"
"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."
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Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
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This is only for OLD GEEZERS and was apparently sent to me by mistake ... but I did think of you!
| THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE... Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company after while. Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today. Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out! Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up. Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed. Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing outside all day barefooted. Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up. You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on. Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on! Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night. Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle. Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one. Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it. Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit! Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him. You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off. There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town. Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise. Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes. If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out! Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile. Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there. Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread! Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark. Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there. Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes. Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on. No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees? Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy. That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house. Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all botched up. Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap! It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight. If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home. Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way! Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that bad cut won't get infected. When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; Left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; And straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop. It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" to me, young man, and don't you forget it! Y'all come back now, ya hear! |