Another Word for Danger
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Old Loving
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dinner Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do
about it?" --Emo Philips
***
You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical
school? They call him "Doctor". --Abe Lemons
***
"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved
Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to
sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father
doesn't even want to sleep with my mother."
--Dennis Wolfberg
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Driving through New Jersey on Interstate 80 en route from
Pennsylvania to New York, I came upon a group of cars that
were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed
limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser
that everyone was reluctant to pass.
After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his
roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he
commanded. "I am a Pennsylvania trooper."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a
Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will,
to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the
booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got
him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general yelled, "Fire at Will!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Rustic Dining"
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
FBI Pizza
There was a man who worked the night desk at the local FBI office. The office received a lot of misdialed calls, because their number was similar to a local pizza restaurant.
One night he answered the phone, "FBI."
When the caller hesitated, he said, "You meant to call Dominoes..."
The caller exclaimed "WOW! You guys really DO know everything!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fate"
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
Oneliner
"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Parking"
"Whatever you do, when you stop by the auto-wrecking yard, don't park your small car in a spot marked 'Compact.'"- Lil Owens
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Lil Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREEKITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars drove up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?", he asked.
"Kittens," Lil Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. "They are Democrats," says Lil Suzy. The tall man smiled broadly, returned to his car and they drove away.
Sensing a great photo opportunity, the tall man, Senator Barak Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Lil Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up again. This time with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Senator Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Lil Suzy.
"Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."
"Yes, sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."
Taken by surprise before so much of the media, Senator Obama said, "But honey, yesterday when I stopped, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."
Lil Suzy says, "Yes sir, I know I said that. But today, they have their eyes open."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
New Bank Teller"I hear the bank is looking for a new teller.""I thought they just hired a new teller last week.""Right. That's the one they're looking for."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Thieves roll away grand piano
SPOKANE, Wash. (UPI) -- Law enforcement authorities in Spokane, Wash., don't think it was magic -- they think the disappearance of a grand piano was a brazen theft. An employee at the Ridpath Hotel says the concert piano was in its usual place when she left for her dinner break around 11 p.m. Saturday, but she noticed the more than century-old Steinway Grand Piano was gone before 2 a.m. Sunday. The thieves apparently knew what they were doing. The black Steinway weighs nearly 1,000 pounds and was worth at least $25,000, KXLY-TV, Spokane, reported. The hotel is offering a reward for the instrument's return.
///
Police: Stab wounds came from peeler game
HIO, Sweden (UPI) -- Police in Hio, Sweden, said a man apparently received serious stab wounds while playing a game involving potato peelers. Lars Johansson of the Swedish police said the 20-year-old man's non-life threatening injuries were apparently incurred while he was playing a game with another man that involved pressing potato peelers against one another's stomachs, The Local reported. Johansson said the game is known to be common among young men in the area. Police said the public prosecutor had not yet determined whether any charges will be filed in the case.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rich Lawyer
A rich lawyer was going down the street in his limo when he
saw a hobo kneeling in a park, eating the grass. The lawyer
asked his chauffeur to stop and rolled down the window to
talk to the poor fellow. The lawyer asked, "How come you are
eating this grass?"
The hobo replied, "I have no money and no house, so my
family and I live in this park, eat the grass, and drink out
of the drinking fountain."
The lawyer said, "Well, I'm rich. Go get your family and
friends, and you can all come to my house and I'll feed
you."
Eventually the hobo, his family, his friends, and his
friends' families all piled into the limo. As they were
driving down the road, the lawyer broke the silence. "You
know, you guys are really going to like it at my house. The
grass is at least a foot long in the back."