Recent Quips from Late Night
"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher "Sunday is April Fools' Day. Earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs." --David Letterman "We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno "The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher "The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno "On Saturday ... Al Gore will be 59 years old. He'll have a cake with 59 candles. 59 candles? Well, hell, there's your global warming right there." --David Letterman "We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher "Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno "None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher
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Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
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Tightwad Flyers
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks." The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started. Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars." So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?" "Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks."
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For The Kids...
How do you stop a werewolf chasing you?Throw a stick and say fetch! How do you know if two werewolves have been in the fridge?Two pairs of paw prints in the butter! What's Dracula's favourite coffee?Decoffinated! What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a frog?A creature that can bite you from the other side of the road!
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal
cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out
what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to
be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve
the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the
well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A
few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey
was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take
a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a
step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and
take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping, never
giving up! Shake the dirt off and take a step up! Remember
the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
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"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin
Corey
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Clocks for Liars
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.""Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?""That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.""Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.""Where's Hillary's clock?" asked the man."Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"