Evil Brunettes
Why is brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
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Keep an Eye on Your Cousin
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
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Getting Married in a Hurry
Giorgo and his beautiful girl-friend Isabella rush in to see the vicar: "We want to get married . Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you do a quick service?" The vicar is amused. He marries the two young people, pockets his fee and asks: "Isn't there a proverb?.. something about not marrying in haste? Why are you two in such a hurry?" Dragging his bride after him, Giorgio rushes out into the street: "We double parked!"
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No Cure for Cancer?
We've all caught someone at sometime picking their nose. Some try to do it in secret. Others do it openly without embarrassment. Maybe even you have been caught in the act. Nose-picking is one disgusting habit and is certainly not socially acceptable. So, are these people normal? One would guess that this is not the type of thing researched at our institutions of higher learning. Guess again. The Americans did. Of course, scientists must give everyday things complicated scientific names. Nose picking is a term for us common folk. Nose-picking should really be referred to as rhinotillexomania (rhino=nose, tillexis=habit of picking at something, mania=obsession with something). So, the next time that you see a person picking their nose, tell them that they are a rhinotillexomaniac. The researchers prepared their "Rhinotillexomania Questionnaire" and randomly mailed it to 1000 residents in Dane County, Wisconsin. Each survey included a cover letter that stated, "The University of Wisconsin is conducting a survey of a common but understudied habit scientifically known as 'rhinotillexomania'. Its common name is nose-picking." Even better, the letter actually defined what nose-picking is: "Insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions." I'll bet that you already knew that. Can you imagine getting this survey in the mail? Even with the University's seal on the stationary, one would have to wonder whether this was a joke or not. Now for the results (assuming that they are reliable): Of the 1000 surveys mailed out, only 254 were completed and returned to the researchers. · 8.7% claim that they have never picked their nose. (In other words, they are liars or they can't remember doing it as a kid.) · 91% stated that they had picked their nose in the past and were still actively practicing this habit. Yet, only 49.2% of the respondents actually thought that nose-picking was common in adults. · 9.2% rate their pickin' as "more than average." · 25.6% actually pick their noses daily, 22.3% do it 2 to 5 times each day, and three people admitted to doing it at least hourly. · 55.5% spent 1-5 minutes, 23.5% spent 5-15 minutes, and 0.8% (2 people) spent 15-30 minutes each day cleaning their nostrils. One lone soul claims to devote over 2 hours each day to this ritual (I'm not a doctor and I can tell you that this guy definitely has rhinotillexomania). · 18% reported nosebleeds, while 0.8% claimed perforation of the nasal septum from their nose-picking. · 65.1% use their index finger, 20.2% use their pinky, and 16.4% use their thumb (must have BIG nostrils to fit a thumb in) as their instrument of choice. · Most people (90.3%) disposed of the goop in a tissue or a handkerchief, while 28.6% used the floor, and 7.6% stuck it to the furniture. · 8% of the respondents actually ate the end product. In case you are thinking of trying this delicacy, the study claims that the pickings are quite tasty (salty). So, what have we learned from this groundbreaking study? Basically, boogers apparently taste good, although I can guarantee to you that I will never do the taste testing to find out. And we are wondering why there is no cure for Cancer yet!
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My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah
(two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses
for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"
My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"
Dad replied "Maybe."
Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it home?"
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A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having been granted
a rare interview.
"What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushckev had been
assassinated instead of President Kennedy?"
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said "I don't think Mr. Onassis
would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
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One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
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Free Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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"Prescription Check"
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
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CleanQuote
"Treat each day as your last. One day you'll be right."
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"Maturing" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
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PrioritiesComputer technician for a retailer is working on getting a new store up on the network. And that requires a call to the local cable provider ...Tech: This is about our store in Springfield. We need to have our cable relocated from the temporary location to the new store.Cable guy: I don't get it.Tech: Imagine a construction site. When we start, there's no building, just a trailer. That's where the cable was installed. Now the building is built. We want the cable inside the building.Cable guy: OK, but before the work is done, you will need to pay your delinquent bill.Tech: We never got a bill.Cable guy: That doesn't matter, you still have to pay it.Tech: OK. Maybe I didn't get a bill because you sent it to the wrong address. What address did you send it to?Cable guy: If you tell me the account number, I can tell you that.Tech: Where will I find the account number?Cable guy: On the bill.Tech: I don't have the bill.Cable guy: Well, you could go to our local office in Springfield and show them two pieces of ID and they will handle it.Tech: That's 100 miles away from my location. It would be easier just to cancel your service and DSL instead.Cable guy: OK, I will process the termination.Tech: So you will terminate service without knowing that I am who I say I am, but you won't help me pay the bill?Cable guy: Yes.Click.