School Best Sellers
Walking To School The First Day Back - by Misty Bus The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me - by I. Rhoda Bike Can't See The Chalkboard - by Sidney Backrow Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School - by Major Crackupp What I Dislike About Returning To School - by Mona Lott Making It Through The First Week Of School - by Gladys Saturday Is Life Over When Summer Ends? - by Midas Welbee What I Love About Returning To School - by I.M. Kidding Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? - by I. Betty Wont What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School - by U. Will Gettitt
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A Thanksgiving Funny
In a few days, all America will be celebrating the holiday
of Thanksgiving, or as it is known outside the United
States, "Thursday."
Families separated for months or years will reunite, and
shortly afterwards they will remember why they separated. In
a darkened gymnasium, Richard Simmons will run his revenue
projections and consider buying a small Caribbean island.
Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the
public school system will breathe a bit easier, eager in
their anticipation of four days surcease from education.
(The students are pretty happy about it, too.)
Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of
bewilderment. In this decadent age we live in, far too many
of our unlettered countrymen think Plymouth Rock a music
style from the '70s, or the Mayflower a potpourri
ingredient. Accordingly, in the best traditions of
journalistic public service and overweening arrogance, my
column this frosty morn shall be dedicated to answering your
questions about Thanksgiving.
Q. Gosh, you're right. I, the average reader, am dumb as a
post. What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving?
A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers
and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of
disgusting "traditional" foods that no one in his right mind
would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a
triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud
into a plant without bothering to change its taste and
texture. Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash
by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have
produced dishes that taste, at best, like delicately
seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the
necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw in
his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's.
Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black
Helicopters fit in?
A. They transport the squash.
Q. I should have guessed. But seriously, what are the
origins of Thanksgiving?
A. The first Thanksgiving was a celebration of gratitude by
a group of early English settlers known as the Pilgrims. The
Pilgrims were Separatists who had come to the New World to
practice their religion without government interference, and
since the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms did not
exist at the time, they were allowed to do so.
Unfortunately, the Pilgrims neglected to acquire a few
skills (such as elementary agronomy) before setting off on
their voyage, and as a result they nearly starved. The local
Indians, who at the time were practicing their ancient
sustenance methods of hunting and fishing, took pity on the
Pilgrims and taught them to farm the native flora. In a
display of appreciation, when the first harvest was taken
in, the Pilgrims held a huge feast and invited the Indians
over for dinner, after which they all fell asleep on couches
while watching football.
Q. OK, but when did Thanksgiving become a national holiday?
A. Thanksgiving Day was adopted as an annual holiday by New
York State in 1817, marking the first official celebration
of Thanksgiving as a regular event, and the last time a New
Yorker said "thank you" for anything. In 1863, President
Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving, and every
subsequent president has followed suit.
Q. Speaking of turkeys, is it true that Ben Franklin thought
the turkey should have been our national bird instead of the
eagle?
A. Ben Franklin was indeed a proponent of the turkey as our
national bird. Since he was a member of the Hellfire Club at
the time, though, his motives were somewhat suspect.
It must be kept in mind that the modern domestic turkey
bears little resemblance to its feral ancestors. The wild
turkey is a cunning and elusive survivor, a challenging
quarry for the most skilled of hunters. Farm turkeys, on the
other hand, have been selectively inbred for generations in
an attempt to improve flavor and increase breast meat
production. These efforts have had numerous side effects on
the birds in question, including reduced intelligence,
difficulty in maintaining balance, and the creation of the
Spice Girls.
Q. Is there a final message you would like to give to your
readers on this Thanksgiving Day?
A. Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner. You can have my squash.
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"You never see a fish on the wall with its mouth shut." - Sally Berger
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"According to the energy department, high gas prices may
be around for the next six months. After that they'll be
followed by really high gas prices." --Jay Leno
***
"New York City now has a major rat problem. You have no
idea how big these rats are until you go to Central Park
and take a ride in one of our rat drawn carriages."
--Dave Letterman
***
"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my
balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown
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A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong
number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of
Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a
wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as
I want to get."
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Drum ProblemThere was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
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Batman
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy. While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives". I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been four of them: Bale, Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
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Steroids
Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs.
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Tickets
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."