!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grandfather TurkeyJust before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's housefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister thatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When herserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled outthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeyslay eggs!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Message Puzzle
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Thankfulness, Thanksgiving
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The turkey shot out of the ovenThe turkey shot out of the ovenand rocketed into the air,it knocked every plate off the tableand partly demolished a chair.It ricocheted into a corner andburst with a deafening boom,then splattered all over the kitchen,completely obscuring the room.It stuck to the walls and the windows,it totally coated the floor,there was turkey attached to the ceiling,where there'd never been turkey before.It blanketed every appliance,it smeared every saucer and bowl,there wasn't a way I could stop it,that turkey was out of control.I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,and thought with chagrin as I mopped,that I'd never again stuff a turkeywith popcorn that hadn't been popped.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of twochoices: take it or leave it.Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep onsinging.We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck,He could never test himself.Everything now seems to be under Federal controlexcept the National debt and the budget.Eventually every woman reaches the age when shedoesn't want any birthdays but still wants thepresents.There are times that parenthood seems like nothing butfeeding the mouth that bites you.It is better to nobly remembered than to be noblyborn.Life is a play; tis not its length, but itsperformance that counts.A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?The only time that a woman really changes a man iswhen he is a baby.Some people don't tolerate intolerance.Children have more need for models than critics.Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on thefood chain as we think.We live in an age where people would rather be enviedthan esteemed and when that happens, God help us.There is many a tear in the heart that never reachesthat eye. Most people spread more gossip than they digup.There is none so blind than he who will not see.Light is the task when many share the toil.We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit onthe curb and clap as they go by.A man is no better than his word and no bigger thanwhat it takes to make him mad.There are days when it takes all you've got just tokeep up with the losers.Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing youkeep yours.Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statuehas never been erected in honor of a critic.Most failures come from people who have the habit ofmaking excuses.There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that issecret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an openbook---generally a checkbook.We have killed more people celebrating ourIndependence Day, than we lost fighting for it.We should never blame the government for not doingsomething, it's when they do something is when theybecome dangerous.Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, andthey didn't. They got worse.The news that's not fit to print is what makes thenewspapers.A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse,not a remarkable mathematician.Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's adviceand to take everybody's advice.Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar intofour pieces with your bare hands and then just eat onepiece.When love adorns the home, other decorations aresecondary.Make your life a prayer.To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path offeast resistance.Beware of the person that likes to have their cake---and yours, too.Be yourself----who is better qualified ?Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they willleave the impression they need it.In life, as in football, you won't go far unless youknow which way the goal-post is.Some people who are looking for jobs are notnecessarily looking for work.A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn hisback to the crowd.Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightningwithout letting him feel the jolt.Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.The person who is always finding fault seldom findsanything else. Success usually comes to those who aretoo busy to look for it.The one thing worse than being alone is wishing youwere.An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets tolaugh.Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained bythe devil.There are some people who wind up on third base andnever make it home.In life, you can never do a kindness too soon becauseyou never know when it will be to late.Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hardto unspread it.An atheist is a man who has no invisible means ofsupport.If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get faraway in between times.Don't count your years; make your years count!Faults are thick where love is thin.We usually admire the other fellow more, after we havetried to do his job.HOW WOULD WE FEEL?If God gave us the same amount of time and attentionthat we devote to Him?If God put as many things ahead of us as we put aheadof Him?If God offered as many excuses as we do? And if theexcuses were no more justifiable than ours?If God's promises were no more certain than ours?If God withheld His blessings from us as we withholdour offerings from Him?If God loved Himself as much as we love ourselves andgave as little thought to us as we give to Him?