New Virus Warning
This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
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Early Bird
Yes, you’re right. The early bird does get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese!
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Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
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Babysitting
A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom
could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters
upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One
child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept
sending him back.
At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door
neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The
young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a
voice shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home."
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If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
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Tough Fight
One night, a man was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. He and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and the man put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through the man's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on him was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked the man why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" came the reply, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
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A policeman turned on his sirens and quickly pulled over Dan speeding in his Chevy Impala. The cop got out of the car and scribbled out a ticket for the obviously annoyed wishing he was a teenager wannabe.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled Dan as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
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"Audi Alteram Parten"
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
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"Audi Alteram Parten"
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
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Oneliner
"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them."
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Book Page Problem"
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...
"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one."
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Cannibal Team”
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you; however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
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"Real" World
My brother was recently launched into the "real world" and, shocked
by the expenses that came with it, he was complaining about the high
cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."
He smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just
to get free peanuts."
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Animal Super Bowl
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."