Happy Birthday Elsie!
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70
or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by
taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order,
one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's
Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking
the question, "Which one of you is Elsie?"
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"Modern Potty Training"
Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."
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CleanQuote
"Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?"
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"Weddings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine.
"And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there."
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At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted
to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they
agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to
advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his
scale by promising her that he would not look and that she
could even cover the digital display so only she could see
her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical
voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and
sixty-three pounds."
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After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses
and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.
Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck
tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.
The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after
I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right
hind tire
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"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the
bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "How'd that happen?"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it
was me coming home drunk."
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"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe
is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." - Chris Needles
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Subway Drop
The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle
on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however,
bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a
half dollar?"
"I did," answered three men at once.
"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."