Baby Wrap
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how
to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple
turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously.
"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
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A company was producing an English-language movie. In one
scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in,
collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The
company even found someone who knew the language. The scene
worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an
African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high
drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
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"Anti-Burglar Signs"
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…
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Oneliner
"One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others."
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"Punishment"
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded "The small investor."
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Small Deli's IRS Trouble
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the
IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit
of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, and the place is closed only three days a year.
And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to
Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell
you - we also deliver."
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Last Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and
said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die,
you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do
with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write
on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
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Thanks to LBS: Kids
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO! MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --
Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
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If you sometimes get the sudden urge to run around naked. Drink some Windex. It will keep you from streaking.