Flight Attendant
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. "On landing," the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
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Frivolous Lawsuit
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
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"Shirt Note"
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.
Heart aflutter, he opened her response.
It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
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CleanQuote
"One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young."
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Illustration - "Criticism" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
At a dinner party, one of the guests was an obnoxiously loud young man. He made disparaging remarks about everyone and everything. When served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "I suppose this is pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"
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Parking Spaces
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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reat Theft
Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet? Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
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College Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious pleaCalculus is killing meI know not of 'dx' or 'dy'And probably won't until the day I die.Please, Lord, help me in this hourAs I take my case to the highest power.I care not for fame or lootJust help me find one square root.And Lord, please let me seeOne passing mark in organic chemistry.Oh such a thing I constantly dreadI'd just as soon join the Marines instead.Lord, please give me a signThat you've been listening all the time.Please lead me out of this constant comaAnd give me a shot at my diploma.
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Customer Service
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman "This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien "As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno "Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman "Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien "Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health now. I guess he had a brain aneurysm a couple of years ago. Hey, you can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno "The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien "As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused." --Jay Leno "How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?" --Jay Leno "John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can’t have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down." --Jay Leno
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Not Welcome
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Divorce Court
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said,"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Bad Japanese Economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.