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I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses formy wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches onthe bouquet, a young man burst through the door,breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our lastbunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "MayI please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your weddinganniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed mywife's hard drive!"Received from Jokes Central.
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Empty Nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold." - Maurice Setter
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Stupid Excuses
German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway, Wednesday.
"He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet," said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person. "He looked like he'd had practice."
When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument. He was just practicing the "holding technique."
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Atkins Had it Right - Ban Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
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Another one for the holidays -- Florida Corn PuddingWendy, Washington2 c. frozen whole kernel corn1 egg, slightly beaten1 tbsp. sugar1/2 tsp. salt1 tbsp. corn starch1 c. milk1 tbsp. butter or margarineMix all ingredients except butter. Pour into a greasedbaking dish. Dot with butter. Bakeat 350 degrees for 1 hour, or until set to center.
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From a friend:Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful NewYork contractor, was standing on the deck of theStaten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent himinto the river.The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black,was standing on the church steps after the funeral,receiving condolences, when an old friend of thecontractor came up."I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend."Did Mike leave you well fixed?""Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a halfmillion dollars.""Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't reador write.""Nor swim either," added the widow.
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The Parable Of The Spoons (ABeautiful Story) A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord oneday and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heavenand Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to twodoors. He opened one of the doors and the holy manlooked in. In the middle of the room was a large roundtable. In the middle of the table was a large pot ofstew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man'smouth water.The people sitting around the table were thin andsickly. They appeared to be famished. They wereholding spoons with very long handles and each foundit possible to reach into the pot of stew and take aspoonful, but because the handle was longer than theirarms, they could not get the spoons back into theirmouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of theirmisery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seenHell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It wasexactly the same as the first one. There was the largeround table with the large pot of stew, which made theholy man's mouth water. The people were equipped withthe same long-handled spoons, but here the people werewell nourished and plump, laughing and talking. Theholy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but oneskill. You see, they have learned to feed eachother--- while the greedy think only of themselves."
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Aging with graceTo commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,Polident, Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go badI simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,' Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.