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Long Sermon
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this
particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.
Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved
out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so
invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."
The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the
man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now, and I'm just full of
aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby!"
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
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Dangerous Dog
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." - Dave Barry
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Deception
There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall. The one day the mouse really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his door. The little mouse was really upset that he couldn't leave.
While he was trying to figure out a solution, the mouse heard a dog barking. That's when he had a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat and where there's no cat I can go for my walk."
So he strutted on out of his mouse hole. All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him. Then the cat said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"
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The following was written by
children, no corrections have been made.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of
fire by night.
The Egyptians were drowned in the desert.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat
the apple.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told
his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history
they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
Solomon, one of David's sons had 300 wives and 300
porcupines.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the
twelve decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should only have one spouse. This is
called monotony.
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Life's little questions
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out"?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is
there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe
them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a
mouse?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a
car ride, he sticks his head out the window?