********************************
Jack's Will
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's last will and testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
********************************
Oneliner.
"The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well is that they both have a common nemesis."
********************************
CleanPun. - Oval Office
One day, the president of the United States was sitting in the Oval Office reading a newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and thinks, "Ok!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of gag. The secret service man then begans to take that bull whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the whip as he walks around the presidents desk. The president gets enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!"
********************************
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting
office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.
He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
********************************
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a goober went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he said, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
The goober replied, "Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the goober supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.
The goober looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the sheriff.
So, the goober wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The goober was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
********************************
FIREARMS REFRESHER
COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a
subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the
phone.
3. Glock: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled
words.
7. Free Men Do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All
Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they
ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one
yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no
peace nor safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs
safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens
tries to control them..
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight
for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make
more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms,
you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened
with gun control.
26. ".. A government of the PEOPLE, by the PEOPLE, for
the PEOPLE..."
********************************
lenty Cryptic After All
A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the group that this network
technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides
it's time for new passwords all around, just to be safe.
Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk
around the office, whispering the new password to each user.
But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can't reach her by phone, and
he's leery of sending her new password in unencrypted e-mail.
Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the
password change.
Then he writes: "And your new password is: (the last name of our intern
from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our
basketball team scored in our last game)."
Very clever, he figures -- it's information only someone in the group would
know.
Until he gets a reply message from the user: "I tried the password, but it
didn't work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type?
And are those parentheses important?"